Tools of Vulnerability : How can tools to access vulnerability be a symbolic key to unlocking the transformative power of resilience in a narrative?

How can tools to access vulnerability be a symbolic

key to unlocking the transformative power of

resilience in a narrative?

Maria Karin Walczuk

Institution: Stockholms Konstnärliga Högskola/Stockholm University of the Arts Education Level: Masters

Points: 30 hp

Program: Documentary Processes Spring 2020

Supervisor: Synne Behrndt Examinator: Tinna Joné

Preface

Tools of Vulnerability

My film work has revolved around a hypothesis of vulnerability with my research question being:

in the context of interviews and the larger scope of cinematic storytelling, how can tools to access vulnerability be a symbolic key to unlocking the transformative power of resilience in a narrative?

Proposed Methodology:

I. The Privilege of Listening II. The Power of Silence III. Trust & Intuition

IV. The Light of Vulnerability V. Discovery of Resilience

This written document is a companion piece to the work of my Master’s film project, “Rise,” for the program Documentary Processes in Film & Media at Stockholms Konstnärliga Högskola. My short documentary film revolves around three characters and how the

limitations of their bodies provide key access points for their own resilience. We come to understand how they rise above their circumstances to embrace their vulnerabilities and instead dare to maximize their lives to the fullest through creative expression.

The bulk of my thesis focuses on my process as well as what I’ve learned in the pursuit of my research question, which has evolved over the course of two years. In my artistic research and my film production, I’ve begun with an ethnographic approach to gaining access to three characters for my documentary work. Over time I was able to invest in

building trust and solidifying my interpersonal relationships with these subjects on both a professional and personal level.

I utilize my interviews as a reference point of analysis, study and first-hand source material. The interviews also act as the foundation of building my narrative and naturally form the basis of my film script. To a certain extent, I also offer myself as a case study in relation to my research. This is two-fold: firstly, this allows the opportunity to share myself and my intentions as I do not explicitly reveal any of this within my own film project.

Secondly by being open, honest and I practice what my research revolves around – embracing vulnerability. My objective is to bring light and discourse towards more taboo-like subject matters such as imperfection and shame, which I will dive into. I ask so much of my characters that I feel it only right to reveal my own insecurities and challenges, and not just observe and analyze others from the comforts of an ivory tower.

Given that my Master’s program is evolving what artistic research entails, I have a certain privilege and freedom compared to perhaps other more stringent and regulated forms

of academic research. My research includes myself as a case study to a certain extent, so it can often feel a bit too personal even for my taste. However, I’m convinced and would like to continue to believe that my freedom and power here is that I am in fact allowed to be

personal.

By diving into my private starting point as context, I continue with how I found my subjects and why I continued investing in them as both case studies who would become my main characters. In my writing below, I proceed to present my methodology and follow with what I propose that I’ve learned. For over a decade I have been interested in psychology and mental health since the beginnings of my own university education back in the US. Over the course of these two years and with what I took as great responsibility in my Masters at Stockholms Konstnärliga Högskola, I found inspiration and courage in three characters who were to become my documentary subjects. My writings below explore deeper into

understanding their vulnerabilities and stories as courageous, inspiring gifts that can offer a perspective on adaptation and the inherent resilience of the human spirit.

Introduction

Vulnerability as an Artistic Compass

“Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feeling. To feel is to be vulnerable.”2

If vulnerability is at the heart of feeling then to deny it is to deny our emotional truths and therefore our existence. And within this hullabaloo of life is this fact that you cannot run away from vulnerability.

My first year of artistic research revolved around my curious fascination with vulnerability; it became the artistic compass of which I would navigate the waters of my research and film. A personal health crisis which occurred almost immediately after starting my Master’s program in Autumn 2018. I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called interstitial cystitis which is a chronic pain bladder syndrome. Fortunately, on the spectrum of pain I have what seems to be a milder case, but it has nonetheless had a huge impact on how I now go about my life. As the saying goes, health is wealth and I certainly have been humbled to that phrase.

With time I would come to develop distance to my own situation and start to question the concept of crisis and how crisis can be useful as a tool. This school would become both an anxious and fascinating cocoon for my own professional and personal exploration. “If the gold wants to be purified, it has to pass through fire.”3 With little choice to my circumstances,

my research and film work would be put to the ultimate trial by fire, a call and a challenge to grow. Surprisingly, the unfolding of my interest in mental health would become elements that I could actually draw upon later for my research and film work.

In regards to my university education, Stockholms Konstnärliga Högskola has a strong reputation within Sweden and it’s been a longstanding goal of mine to enter a Bachelor’s or Master’s program here. Little did I know that my high esteem for this school would be burdensome for me, leading to rampant thoughts of imposter syndrome, shortcomings and failure before I had really attempted a great deal. It would require a substantial amount of time for me to come to terms with the fact that our course is entitled Documentary Processes

2Brené Brown. Daring Greatly, How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead. UK: Penguin

Random House, 2012, 33

with value being placed upon our creative journey. This simple fact has provided a world of encouragement and support for us as students.

This school would become both an anxious and fascinating cocoon for my own

professional and personal exploration. Prior to my first semester, I intended to explore a rather heavy topic of neo-Nazism in Sweden; I felt lucky to have had both a great angle and access to this potential narrative as an outsider. In the autumn of 2018 it became evident that the heavy weight of my proposed film was not feasible to achieve as my own well-being was at an incredible all-time low. Even though I had already proposed this film, I had scarce

emotional strength and energy to pursue something that I felt obligated to. It would take a few months to realize my denial that I would even succeed with this project. And although I was trying earnestly to pursue it – even attending a conference in Norway on violent extremism in Scandinavia, I had to take an honest look at the remaining time of my Master’s program with a big grain of salt.

Sooner or later there comes a time for all of us when our personal and professional lives intersect incongruently. So how does one cope? I was feeling essentially quite alone – and I could not handle an ambitious project when my heart was no longer in it. I felt it was that the film on Neo-Nazism was the “right” project to do, but not at that time. In actuality, this new low would force me to reassess my values as a filmmaker, my limitations and what I was willing to pursue even if it meant failure. This required me to be uncomfortably honest, critically look how I much I wanted to invest in a project and why. Could I sustain two years of a project that might eat at me personally, when I already felt so drained? What could I do with this academic platform that I do have? What’s important to me as a filmmaker, and can the next project give me energy rather than leave me running on empty? And lastly, what kind of film would I want to contribute to in the landscape of documentaries?

I decided to no longer pursue a film about neo-Nazism; I wanted to contribute to something more hopeful. It wouldn’t have to be something positive in content, however I wanted it to be uplifting or even inspiring in the end. As the pioneering researcher on vulnerability Dr. Brené Brown proposes, “What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?” or rather as she reframes to her own current preference, “What’s worth doing even if I fail?”4 We live in a fear-based society where we place high value upon perfectionism

and success. Those two dynamics are idealized and toxically intertwined; it is present and ingrained in us to the extreme point where we not only glorify success stories, but we often discredit anything else. We place less priority on the actual process and the struggles

involved. I believe that we don’t necessarily honor the struggle as much as we honor the end result. We like to paint a picture that the underdog is important – but we tend to value the end result the most.

In my initial laps, I found myself swimming in the research of Brené Brown, whose path was born out of her work on shame and how we can destigmatize its power upon us individually and as a society. Initially as a social worker Brown and her research became engulfed in interviews and case studies of thousands of individuals in pursuit of her research callings on shame. Over a long period of time, Brown realized that she wasn’t actually

researching shame but rather vulnerability; she defines vulnerability as, “uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.”5

I quote and subscribe to Brown’s proposal that to be vulnerable is to live life itself.6

Because how can one avoid uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure unless you are in fact denying yourself the virtues of being human? In being honest, not running away from

4Brené, Brown. Daring Greatly, How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead. UK: Penguin

Random House, 2012, 42

5Brown, 34 6Brown, 33

emotion and your truth you are being vulnerable, you are showing up and proving to be alive. To hide, deny, or avert one’s attention from the struggle of a situation at hand is to live disingenuously, to literally “kill” or play dead to your emotional and mental landscape. For myself, I felt that I was living only “half-alive” in my first two semesters; I literally could not show up to school. While my condition affects my sleep and made me an insomniac for months, I also was hiding in shame precisely because of this loss of control. My lack of sleep led to feelings of shameful incompetence, which in turn created a vicious cycle of shame for not being able to show up at school.

The glimmer of beauty in this situation was however that it required me to be vulnerable and communicate with others early on. As everyone at school was essentially a stranger to me, I had to be direct and express myself as precisely as I could to the confusion of what was going on. This meant that I was often expressing my vulnerability, even though it only felt like I was exposing myself. According to Brown transformation occurs, “…when I started asking hard questions about how my fear of being vulnerable was holding me back and when I found the courage to share my struggles and ask for help.”7 As uncomfortable as

this process was for of sharing my vulnerability, it would actually encourage room for me to grow. That time period would shed light and eventually eradicate that which I felt was the darkness of shame. And it would force me to confront myself more profoundly, and accordingly my work. “The nature of all art, as (Friedrich) Hegel formulated it, is that it ‘presents man with himself.’” 8 Documentary Processes became an opportunity to encounter

myself time and time again when I would have much more comfortably evaded this. Dr. Daniel Siegel, who is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, is perhaps best known for his research around the term “mindsight” which he describes as a combination of insight and empathy. “With mindsight our standard is honesty and humility, not some false ideal of perfection and invulnerability.”9 Through his rather

unconventional look at how the mind and brain are separate entities, Dr. Siegel helps to illuminate the power of cultivating compassion for oneself with specific techniques that encourage neuroplasticity (the brain’s ability to change/grow) ultimately leading to a stronger overall well-being. Dr. Siegel encourages embracing imperfections regardless of our neural patterns and tendencies – towards firing new neural wirings of openness and healing:

…the capacity of the brain to change is called neuroplasticity…If early experiences are positive, for example, chemical controls over how genes are expressed in specific areas of the brain can alter the regulation of our nervous system in such a way as to reinforce the quality of emotional resilience.10 Regardless of early experiences in our childhood, we have the potential and capacity throughout our lifetime to develop new neural firing patterns – cultivating emotional

resilience, and therefore neuroplasticity. Brené Brown and Dr. Siegel were the first two researchers to really pave the way for my own understanding and relationship to mental health and the potentialities of well-being through an awareness of the mind-body connection.

Brown encourages what she terms, “(w)holehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness”,11 whilst Dr. Siegel promotes an overall more holistic approach.

Overall, they both have given me a deeper understanding of our society’s relationship to toxic dynamics of perfectionism and the overall stigmas that still remain in the heaviness of the taboos that still exist with mental health discourse.

7Brené Brown. Rising strong. Random House, 2015, 55

8Hans-Georg Gadamer. Truth and Method. Sheed & Ward Ltd and the Continuum Publishing Group. Bloomsbury, 1975&1989. E-Book. 9Daniel J. Siegel. Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. Bantam, 2010, 37

10Siegel, 42

11Brené,Brown. Daring Greatly, How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead. UK: Penguin

As life evolved for me these past two years, my own trajectory for artistic research and film production have also been leading me towards my own healing. Even though this was never my intention, I do feel that I accordingly have developed a stronger message and

approach in taking my responsibility as a filmmaker seriously. Hopefully after my graduation, my research and my film “Rise,” can open up some doors of discourse, act as a conduit for the celebration of life itself and provide a moment for encouraging potential healing, in whatever small way possible.

Part I. Finding Characters

The Unfolding of “Rise”

As a filmmaker and storyteller, myself with a background in dance and theatre, I truly believe that everyone has a story. Wherever the journey of life takes you, there is no doubt humbling circumstances will bring you to your knees whether it be the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, a grave diagnosis of health, or natural disasters – we are

unequivocally unable to avoid tragedy in life. As one of my characters in my film Luna says, “Terrible things happen to great people, and bad things happen to everyone.” You cannot run away from the cruelty of life and it’s only a matter of time until something comes up

cyclically to humble you once again. After my first turbulent academic term and the realization that I no longer should pursue my originally proposed project, my ideas would slowly begin to emerge over the course of Spring 2019 towards something else more tangible, more solidified.

I participated in a contemporary dance class and on one simple Wednesday evening I met my first character: Our dance teacher turned on some cool, rhythmic jazz music as we were split into two groups and were set out to improvise with and for one another. Bodies were twirling, gyrating staccato-like, weaving and painting colors of movement in the air. I was in the second group observing before my turn, and I sat transfixed. My eyes were gazed upon a woman who had a determined focus, with equal parts seriousness and playfulness all in one. She was aware of the dancers around her but had a solid core and world into herself. She responded like a flower to others, opening the petals of her arms and movements when the raindrops of other dancers would move near and in her vicinity. But otherwise, she

propelled herself forward and around, undulating to her own imagination and passion with the music. She also happened to be dancing in a wheelchair. I can’t speak as to all of what drew me in to all her magnetic energy, but certainly her dancing in her wheelchair was both compelling and inspiring. Her name is Harley.

Harley amazed me with her passion and courage that she was expressing through her dancing. She is the sole reason that I awoke from my own murky slumber. I understood right then and there that she was, as Elizabeth Gilbert speaks about how embracing creativity is, “living a life that is driven more strongly by curiosity than by fear.”12 I knew then and there

that I wanted to embrace creativity and life in that same dynamic; cherish it in own way. Harley’s dancing mesmerized me and led me to meet her with the hopes of getting to know

her more. My selfishness kept me focused inward, whereas what I truly needed was to look beyond. Her energy was infectious and I credit her to my breakthrough – my bubble of self-torment was burst, and I was able to look past myself and see life beyond me. Harley became my turning point, demonstrating her ultimate embodiment of strength through her own creative means of dance.

Harley unknowingly herself gave me the courage to delve into what mysteries of resiliency, “(o)nly when we’re brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”13 Harley was this beaming, glorious light that shined me forward.

Part I. Finding Characters

The Body as Truth

Early on in our academic studies, one of my main teachers who is also an esteemed filmmaker, Erik Gandini was encouraging my fellow classmates and I to cultivate our sparks of curiosity in the early stages of finding a story. One way to be open and receptive to our instincts according to him could be to follow the Danish film school of thought to follow your

perversions. Gandini would elaborate and say that if you’re already thinking about a certain

concept, regardless of how personal or bizarre it may seem – you should pursue it. It is with no exaggeration that I felt his encouragement to be liberating. Often an idea may come to you delicately, but with just a tad bit of self-judgement or an ounce too much criticality and it can dissolve just as fast as the idea arrived.

The answer can therefore be revealed within the tempest of thought. The way to reel me back in and understand what I was already interested in involved me asking myself, indeed what was I obsessing about? Not what was I obsessing about of what I should do, rather what was I drawn to in the privacy of my own mind? Gandini was rather redirecting us to remain non-judgmental to our own thoughts. According to his logic, if you are already focusing on something so much, already dedicating your time intensely to certain thoughts - then as filmmakers the obvious next step is to actually do a project about it already.

It’s taken a long time to realize and admit that my interest over the course of these two years has shown itself to be a fascination with the body. I oddly felt shy of this fact in a way. Perhaps because my own relationship to my body became unusual and suddenly felt

shameful. And I was allowing my limitations – my chronic illness – to determine everything in my life, when what I was needing was what my colleague and fellow researcher Maja Maletković told me, “you need to reframe your life.” Indeed, I did not want my illness to be the only thing I could identify with and I would want characters who would also agree. Perhaps I could find characters who could be representative of different stages of resilience. At this phase, my true curiosities would come alive, unconsciously searching for characters that I felt could embody the strength that I perhaps felt that I was missing. It’s as if I was hoping to find out the secret of such resilience.

But observing and studying others has also been a way to learn about myself. There is a beautiful saying that I first read in Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Big Magic which focuses on harnessing your creativity, where she writes that, “argue for your limitations and you get to

keep them.”14 What you say can determine your life, so why would I want to argue for my

limitations when I should be going beyond that? So, on an unconscious and soon to be more and more conscious level, I was searching for my own “solution” or “answer” through others. After meeting Harley, I couldn’t stop thinking about how Harley possesses such incredible joy and passion and endurance when her abilities were no doubt limited.

My characters are individuals who are not at all defining themselves by things that are beyond their control, rather they are actively choosing every day to rise above their

circumstances, however tragic they may be. In what ways can we move beyond fear, beyond tragedy and into a realm of actively cultivating resilience? And how can we take any

emotional baggage and turmoil of our past to our advantage? Because how we comprehend our lives determines how we continue day to day well-being: “…(our) ‘coherent narratives’ – the way we make sense of our lives and free ourselves from the prisons of the past—are an important predictor of relational health.”15 I was searching for my own grounded-ness and a

healthier state of well-being, and then my film has had natural domino effect in choosing my characters. I entrust the film with those who exemplify how they’ve transformed or continue to transform and make sense of their history. I like how Elisabeth Gilbert states life and what it should be composed of as, “(a) state of transcendence”16 because indeed, if you’re not

growing how are you alive? Transcendence is colossal word, but I felt the need to find characters who also pursue this, even if only unconsciously.

Part II. Process Interviews

The Ocean of Vulnerability

My methodology in creating a documentary film has come to be largely inspired by my teacher Bengt Bok and his techniques that he has developed over decades in what he calls

Process Interviews. Bok invests a massive chunk of time with interviews – sometimes over

the course of years –that build upon each other, with the objective of reaching closer towards more intimacy and depth with an individual. Familiarity and trust are encouraged inside a safe, protected bubble of heightened awareness for the interviewer. Bok has created his own process which very much suits him and his style – with an incredible professionalism with his interviewees. Over his lifetime, Bok has come to understand his own intuition and/or wisdom with this fruitful methodology that truly works not just for him but as I’ve experienced firsthand and seen as well with my classmates.

I relate to Bok in that I consider myself to be an empathetic person; I’m able to pick up on signals intuitively – even in a listening context. But I’ve been trying to push these techniques further to customize around me as an interviewer, so my proposal is as follows. My contribution of research revolves around many elements, including what I’m defining in four parts:

I. The Privilege of Listening II. The Power of Silence III. Trust & Intuition

14Elizabeth Gilbert. Big magic: Creative living beyond fear. Bloomsbury Publishing, 2015, 18 15Daniel J. Siegel. Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. Bantam, 2010, 70 16Elizabeth Gilbert. Big magic: Creative living beyond fear. Bloomsbury Publishing, 2015, 12

IV. Bringing Light to Vulnerability V. Discovery of Resilience

Perhaps I don’t know the full extent in how Bengt behaves with his characters, but from what I’ve understood he develops and maintains a very cordial as well as professional approach. The main difference between my methodology and Bok’s work, is that I actively invest in more of a give and take dynamic. What I mean is that I’ve been testing myself more in opening up with my characters as way of building trust and a stronger interpersonal

relationship. The balance is naturally skewed as an exchange, with priority and importance being in the interviewee of course. The risk in my behavior is that modality is a bit more lax, I’ve been following Brown’s belief that to invest in trust is like filling up a jar, to be “built (with) one marble at a time”17 I experimented with the admissions of my own vulnerabilities,

which is something that I would have never done in these conditions. The danger is crossing that line of professionalism, because teetering on friendships – projects can backfire.

I.

The Privilege of Listening

I could argue that the privilege of listening is the very basis of my cinematic methodology as well as my life. If someone is speaking to you, let alone opening up about their life – how is that not a gift to be treasured? In the framework of a film narrative I find it to be incredibly brave. As I’ve come to recognize more I have a very difficult time disclosing personal matters in most contexts; I have preferred to remain mute to my own difficulties in the past. This adds to the fact that through every film project I conduct, I am in awe and with gratitude when a character is genuinely willing to be on board and share their life. And as I’m still learning when I do open up myself, I am often met with great empathy and

understanding. This is why I believe my methodology to be more a state of reciprocity, quite different from Bengt Bok and the impressive professionalism that accompanies his work ethics. The ethics involved with my approach can be questionable and potentially problematic at times. But in the case of this film “Rise,”, it has felt to be an absolute necessity. I’m

learning in what ways to push that boundary of what it means to be “professional”, within the scope of my own moral compass of course. But I choose to rather present myself in what it means to be human. What I’ve found is that my characters are more willing to speak up if they understand where I’m coming from, a little bit of who I am and not to say the least: what makes me feel vulnerable.

Throughout the time with our process interview workshops, I’ve observed that my teacher Bengt Bok has a certain kind of sensitivity – an incredible emotional intelligence – a heightened empathy if you will. I won’t pretend to have that lifetime of experience that Bok possesses. However, I do find myself more comfortable in the act of observation, and listening which has led me to develop great respect for those around me. This has drawn me to the working processes of the mind and specifically the neuroscience behind empathy. Dr. Siegel has provided me with much room for contemplation on the notion of what it means to

17Brené Brown. Daring Greatly, How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead. UK: Penguin

“feel felt”18; what it means to resonate with another person empathetically. Dr. Siegel

suggests the internal workings of the brain when understanding one another can be illustrated by what scientists call, emotional contagion. And that this fluidity in transmission of

emotions,

Our awareness of another person’s state of mind depends on how well we know our own. The insula brings the resonating state within us upward into the middle prefrontal cortex, where we make a map of our internal world. So we feel others’ feelings by actually feeling our own—we notice the belly fill with laughter at the party or with sadness at the funeral home. All of our subcortical data—our heart rate, breathing, and muscle tension, our limbic coloring of emotion—travels up the insula to inform the cortex of our state of mind. This is the brain reason that people who are more aware of their bodies have been found to be more empathic…So we first know ourselves as reflected in the other.19

If indeed an understanding of yourself is needed to understand another individual, then perhaps the body is that first necessary step of connection. Empathy is an incredible starting point for the privilege of listening, developing interpersonal relations with a character and proceeding to interviews. I want to further highlight how empathy can be utilized. Dr. Siegel proposes the concept of “mind-maps” as a natural development in the connection between two people. He elaborates that:

(e)mpathy is the capacity to create mindsight images of other people’s minds. These you-maps enable

us to sense the internal mental stance of another person, not just to attune to their state of mind. Attunement is important, but the middle prefrontal cortex also moves us from this resonance and the feeling-with to the more complex perceptual capacity to “see” from another’s point of view: We sense the other’s intentions and imagine what an event means in his or her mind.20

There is no question that empathy is an integral part of understanding another person as to literally “take a walk in their shoes.” Of course, this does not mean however that I am able to have a full grasp and understanding of another character. However, it means that through the middle prefrontal cortex, the brain is working to integrate everything from body language, to emotion, focus and intention all in the hopes to better connect with an individual. And the prefrontal cortex is pivotal in “… how we pay attention; it enables us to put things in the ‘front of our mind’ and hold them in awareness.”21 It’s exciting to breakdown the

modalities of how and where we place our focus as well as how imagination can be a tool of discovery in “feeling” another. By maintaining a focus and awareness the more the likelihood of connection is possible, which is in great credit to Bok and his sacred space of a “bubble” intimacy. In the next step of my methodology, I’ll explore what specific spontaneous signals can arise, and how one can navigate them without getting lost. Fascinating discoveries can occur by concentrating on those small moments of connection, often leading to serendipity. Through some interview examples below, I’ll demonstrate how investing in empathy, plus visualizing and understanding the ‘mind-map’ function has very much helped me grow as a more generous and patient interviewer.

II.

The Power of Silence

There are many lessons that I’ve learned over the course of my process interviews – silence being the biggest challenge but also the most rewarding. As a filmmaker I’ve always

18Daniel J. Siegel. Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. Bantam, 2010, 57 19Daniel J. Siegel. Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. Bantam, 2010, 62 20Siegel, 28

believed that in order to have a strong story you have to have a charismatic character.

However, I’ve been confronting this adjective of what it means to be charismatic – and why is that so seemingly significant in a documentary framework? Who is to say that a shy character is the wrong choice in a narrative? And if pursued, what can a shy character bring to a

narrative in comparison to a charismatic one?

After my excitement having met and gotten to know Harley more, I became more open to the art in it of itself of finding characters as documentary subjects. Chance or luck plays a big role so the sooner one starts that process the better. I would like to take this moment to introduce the character of Blaze. Blaze and I have gone on a journey together where I have learnt so much about reciprocity, building trust, and how to prioritize and cultivate patience.

We met at a local Stockholm skatepark, where a group called Queerskate holds weekly skate and fika sessions. I got to know a little bit about this group through the founder and gatekeeper for my access, who welcomed me with open arms. In addition to skating around a bit, these spring sessions brought out many individuals longing from some sunshine, hot dogs and simply rolling around. I noticed Blaze immediately – he had an aura about him, a kind of mystery that draws one in. Being a bit shy myself, I wasn’t sure how to approach him without perhaps scaring him off. But my curiosity was tipped more on the balance than my cautiousness. We conversed and I eventually spoke more comfortably and transparently as a documentary filmmaker. As the evening carried on and the sun slowly set as it only can in the Northern hemisphere, we exchanged contacts and agreed to meet up for a beer.

Blaze himself was quite quiet. But I could sense there is a whole world of color behind his silence. Normally I do look for individuals for my film work who tend to be on the more exuberant spectrum and easy to converse with, however Blaze’s silent mystery drew me in more to get to know him. A beer or two progressed to process interview tests with audio and then eventually a film test with camera equipment, lighting – the whole shebang.

Here was a unique individual and character willing to take the time to get to know me, my work and comply to a test interview. Up until this point I believed myself to be a quite a good interviewer. Instead this required me to look back and admit that just because I found characters previously who were easy to speak to and open up with, that didn’t guarantee nor make me a good interviewer. The real art as I would come to learn, is in navigating silence, discomfort, and hidden signals whilst balancing this process with openness, spontaneity and patience.

In our first film test, I made so many mistakes that even after our summer vacation I was ashamed to speak plainly about it. Everything from: asking too many questions, to shining light too brightly in Blaze’s eyes, making Blaze attempt too many tasks at once (often leading to yes/no answers), requiring him to look into the camera, repeat my questions in an answer format, elaborate in anecdotes and so forth. The list couldn’t have been more

overwhelming! One huge awakening for me came with the recognition that I don’t do well with uncomfortable silence. The people-pleaser in me handles silence like an American talk show host – I indulge in lame jokes, self-deprecating humor, fluffy small talk and the general avoidance of silence as poison. I also realize that I don’t like to provoke, or confront. This has also led to me avoiding making other people uncomfortable. Sometimes, it’s necessary to ask the hard questions, or even just address the elephant in the room. Looking back over the test interview with Blaze was a harsh wake up call. Even though I convinced myself this was a test – I was laying so much pressure upon myself, Blaze and my cinematographer to get it “right” on the first try, that I had become entrapped in my own expectations. I was convinced that I was trying to make Blaze comfortable – when in reality, I threw so much his way that I ended up being the cause of more silence, more awkwardness and more hesitancy in having a so-called “open” test. There was no bubble of trust or spontaneity; everything felt forced.

What I regarded as personal mistakes I also needed to understand were easily remedied – they most of them were reflective of my nature, my personality – however they were not fatal flaws that would destroy all potential interviews to come. This also did not mean that Blaze understood that I was in fact making mistake after mistake. Blaze himself was open, even though he expressed discomfort in talking about himself – he was willing to try. We were still very much strangers, and therefore the “failure” of this test interview was not personal, just a chance to stand back and learn from what wasn’t working. This also opened up an avenue of reconnecting to talk about what didn’t work and how we could improve next time around. Indeed, how could I navigate this a second time-around? A lot of the challenge for me was admitting my discomfort with the silence. So, what has that test experience taught me? How could I embrace that uncomfortable silence? In that same vein, Bengt Bok has provided me with much solace when it comes to his own thoughts on silence:

The unspoken – does it always need to be said? Does it in fact say more by remaining unspoken? Does silence – the pauses – tell more than the words?22

Upon reviewing the test material more in depth after the summer of 2018, I was extremely surprised to see how much was in fact being said by Blaze, regardless of the silence. I think my perspective around the experience was too harsh with myself and Blaze. The silence speaks volumes more perhaps than words can. Just in line with the ruminations of Bok above, perhaps silence can says so much more? Emotion, pain, regret, contemplation, dignity, self-respect and patience – all of these adjectives could be used to describe how Blaze comes across on screen. So in this case – what was lost? This was also an opportunity for me to learn (or rather unlearn my tendencies) that just because someone is uncomfortable does not mean that it is a bad thing. I would come to wonder: can you create comfort in an

uncomfortable state of silence? Is comfort itself really subjective? In any case, I was learning to slow down, not rush but rather embrace silence. This leads me to the elusive but

significant tools of trust and intuition, and how these are integral to the path of vulnerability and resilience.

III. Trust & Intuition

I would like to first point out that in developing an interpersonal relationship with a character the lines can at times become blurry in regards to friendship and professionalism. I treat each character case by case as I have interviewed and filmed individuals that I’ve known or am myself even related to. So every film project is different and, in my experience, the more you know someone who you are working with as a potential character, the more tricky it is to navigate that relationship in a professional milieu.

Here I will attempt to traverse into the different concepts integral to my methodology. Devices of empathy, trust and intuition are difficult to quantify, and yet as they make a large portion of my research it’s important to try and analyze within our limited means of language. Indeed, our emotional and mental worlds are not directly calculable, how can we place a solid mathematical value onto feeling, or intention?23 Our kinesthetic worlds are places of continual discovery and also house incredible wisdom. Within the brain, the middle pre-frontal cortex is responsible for accessing the information from throughout our body. This includes the heart and intestines as a means to interpret intuition:

22Bengt Bok. Encounter with the Other: some reflections in interviewing. Stockholms dramatiska högskola, 2015, 15 23Daniel J. Siegel. Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. Bantam, 2010, 57

…the heart has an extensive network of nerves that process complex information and relay data upwards to the brain in the skull. So, too, do the intestines…The neural networks throughout the interior of the body, including those surrounding the hollow organs, such as the intestines and the heart, send complex sensory input to the skull-based brain. This data forms the foundation for visceral maps that help us have a ‘gut feeling’ or a ‘heartfelt’ sense. Such input from the body forms a vital source of intuition and powerfully influences our reasoning and way we create meaning in our lives. 24

Our kinesthetic worlds are places of continual discovery and also house this incredible wisdom. Even though we cannot measure to a precise length or quantity meaning, feeling or

intention – it doesn’t make it any less valuable. But it is fascinating to see the effect of

providing warmth, openness and holding space in the context of an interview. I can’t guarantee that my subjects have felt being felt but I do hope that I create an environment of non-judgement and acceptance; these values are important to me and provide the basis of creating any state of trust and disclosure. This is why Bengt Bok avoids any notes in his interview process, because it can take one away from significant, spontaneous moments as above. He relies on what I argue is wisdom, accumulated from his experiences and as a result of his own personality and modality. But Dr. Siegel enlightens how we can go beyond what is just logical, to include intuition as potential wisdom within the body itself:

Finally, intuition can be seen as how the middle prefrontal cortex gives us access to the wisdom of the body… This integrative function illuminates how reasoning, once thought to be a ‘purely logical’ mode of thinking, is in fact dependent on the nonrational processing of our bodies. Such intuition helps us make wise decisions, not just logical ones.25

Even now I still don’t know how to articulate when I feel I’ve accessed intuition except to say that it feels “right”. The tools of trust and intuition I believe are both

undervalued as well as slippery and fleeting. In order to reach depths of vulnerability and find those themes of resilience, as an interviewer it’s become important to me to follow my own intuition and to trust my curiosities, my own radar. Bengt Bok suggests in his writing in “Encounter with the Other” that he has had a “radar” of empathy since childhood; I think we share this similarity as it is something that I’ve instinctively cultivated.26 Bok proposes that

during the course of an interview, an interviewee will unconsciously “flag” or reveal something significant, often not something that the conscious mind is aware of enough to address. Bok has trained himself to be take note of such signals and pursue them as a thread of an interview. I’ll give an example from one of my interviews with Blaze. Blaze was born a woman. He had breast cancer in 2017, but because of this was ironically able to get a double mastectomy to speed up his transition. When he first was disclosing these facts, he came to a moment in the interview where he confessed to feeling like he has been living in the wrong body from birth:

Blaze:

Swedish: Det låter jätteabsurt och det är det också (scoffs) egentligen om man tänker efter. English: It sounds really absurd, and it is that as well (scoffs) if you think about it.

Maria:

Swedish: Vad då absurt?

English: What do you mean absurd? Blaze:

Swedish: (pauses)…nämen att kunna välja en kropp eller…absurt att kunna förändras en kropp till

24Daniel J. Siegel. Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. Bantam, 2010, 43 25Siegel, 29

English: (pauses) well to be able to choose a body or … absurd to be able to change a body

Swedish: någonting som ska passa, för att jag ska känna mig anpassad till samhället…för att jag ska bli könad rätt.

English: to something that would fit, so that I could feel I adapted to society…so that I will be gendered correctly.

Swedish: Jag hade inte behövt göra korrigering överhuvudtaget, utan att kunna jag känner mig nöjd med kropp,

English: I didn’t need to make any corrections at all, except that I could feel ok with my body,

Swedish: men att ändå känna mig som en kille…och jag är väldigt glad att det är många idag som inte ens gå på behandlingar.

English: but still feel that I’m like a guy…and I’m very pleased that there are many today who don’t even go for treatment.

The signal or flag here for me was the word, “absurd”. Had I moved on to a question that I had prepared on my list I would have missed this word entirely. But clearly just responding to this word alone, opened up a world of discussion for Blaze. He continued to express his thoughts in relation to the pressures of society, and had I not asked and followed this flag of “absurdity” I never would have realized this. Blaze would later conclude that even if he was living on a deserted island, that he still feels he would have had the operation. But his answer from earlier would help me to understand the dynamics of pressure and non-conformity that he has coexisted for in his life.

Based upon the interview with Blaze elaborating how the pressures of society have felt in his lifetime – all in the matter of one sentence, I was able to feel his pain even if I could not understand the totality of his experiences. I could “see” his point of view and take it to the next step as Dr. Siegel suggests and even imagine what life has been like for Blaze – being born in a body that he didn’t want. We all have this capacity of an empathetic imagination, and it’s also something that can be developed. Indeed, Bok believes in the bubble of a process interview, therein lies incredible potential of connection and understanding: “(within this) notion of confluence or the capacity to get close... (one can) get as close as possible and in a few magical moments, access people’s ‘unexplored rooms.’”27 This idea of different rooms

that one can access, enter and depart from is a strong visual. It also makes the journey of an interview more of a shared process, where the interviewee is taking you on a tour of their own volition, exploration and of a discovery together.

We have to be careful as to not project our own imagination upon another, rather keep this space open and invite empathy, but not limit it with our understanding of the world – except the understanding of the world according to a character. This is where I attempt to draw my line of professionalism – and that is, no matter how much I feel I am connecting with a character, I will never know the inner-workings of someone else’s mind. I can

empathize, connect and create a space for listening and vulnerability – but that does not mean that I can understand the full scope of their experiences, let alone their lives. To walk in together through an “unexplored room” and both respect and protect that space is a gift of trust. But a wall can build up at a moment’s notice, so knowing how to navigate a tour like that is what can make or break trust.

As I consider the resonance circuits, two mind lessons stand out for me. One is that becoming open to our body’s states – the feelings in our heart, the sensations in our belly, the rhythm of our breathing—is

a powerful source of knowledge. The insula flow that brings up this information and energy colors our cortical awareness, shaping how we reason and make decisions…The second lesson is that relationships are woven into the fabric of our interior world. We come to know our own minds through our

interactions with others.28

So my experiences, interests and curiosities are actually the scope of what I can

experience/connect with in another person. And therefore, the vulnerabilities that I possess are limited in comprehension to what I understand of my own world. Bok further ruminates over the element of vulnerability within an interview process, almost as if vulnerability is a necessary rule that must be applied for the interviewer him/herself:

How can you create a genuine connection with another human being if you yourself remain remote, inaccessible? Do I have the courage to cast myself out into the unforeseen? Do I have the courage to remain humble and to ask unexpected questions on the basis of my intuition and curiosity? Do I have the courage to listen critically to the responses given...and to my own questions? Even if I am well prepared, the actual core of the interview process should be spontaneous and unpredictable. 29 Bok identifies vulnerability in a myriad of ways, from the willingness to remain open with another individual, to the act of spontaneity itself – as if vulnerability is truth and truth is inviting in the unpredictable, the unforeseeable process. Curiosity, openness, and creating space for surprise are all ingredients towards a methodology of connection.

Part III. Full Circle

IV. Bringing Light to Vulnerability

Vulnerability has become associated with weakness, but this falsehood is beyond outdated. As I have suggested throughout my writing and in accordance with Brené Brown, to live is to be vulnerable, to feel is to be vulnerable30 and therefore I believe it to be an inherent

strength. Indeed, perhaps my biggest insight within this process is the tendency of my own avoidance of vulnerability, and therefore the reconsideration of how I interpret that word. I have been developing a definition that I apply to others yet I create a double standard where I admit I feel agonizingly weak in my own vulnerability, similar to Bok, Brown adds:

Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences…how can you talk about the importance of vulnerability in an honest and meaningful way without being vulnerable [yourself]?31

I have seen vulnerability or emotional exposure as courage in others and yet I tend to subscribe it as shame or as embarrassment in me. I’ve instead been investing in a new practice of showing up and not running away from my emotional turmoil - whether it be asking for

28Daniel J. Siegel. Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. Bantam, 2010, 63

29Bengt Bok. Encounter with the Other: some reflections in interviewing. Stockholms dramatiska högskola, 2015, 15-16

30Brené Brown. Daring Greatly, How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead. UK: Penguin

Random House, 2012, 33

help, disclosing my mistakes or revealing a challenge I’m not comfortable with. Being vulnerable requires the ultimate form of acceptance, the utmost action of letting go of walls, protection, and sense of security possible:

…vulnerability is life’s great dare. It’s life asking, ‘Are you all in? Can you value your own vulnerability as much as you value it in others?’32

This university education, my research and my film production have all led me to that question above – can I value vulnerability in myself, as much as I place and honor that in another character? It becomes a reversal of roles and responsibility somehow. Through kindness with oneself, compassion and love – these elements can and will lead to

transformation. Being your bravest self – and your most fearful self – are two sides of the same coin so to speak. We have to be willing to show up in order to make any meaningful progress in developing genuine connections. This has led to understanding in what ways I am also an active participant of vulnerability in my process of creativity, as well as how shame is a debilitating trap.

Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists – it’s so easy to keep us quiet. If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees. Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to wither… language and story bring light to shame and destroy it.33

Is the eradication of shame that simplistic? Is speaking and disclosing shame the secret to its oblivion? My film “Rise” explores topics of the body and in it the shame that can arise from being different. My intention has been to bring light, language and story as Brown recommends to take away this power of shame and rather feed strength and fire to growing beyond shame. “Shame resilience is about moving from shame to empathy – the real antidote to shame”34 Furthermore, it is in this safe space of vulnerability, “where courage and fear

meet”35 that one is able to discover resilience. The cultivation of empathy, love, or even the

metaphor of light to the darkness to eradicate shame are all integral aspects of a resilient life. Surprisingly my film has become more and more of a personal means of expression, as if I’m living through my characters. Because of this realization, it has become more important to me how meaningful the experience and process is for the characters in my film as well how much I feel that I am enriched as a result of this process. This sounds egoistic, but if you are the driving force behind your work – shouldn’t you also be nourished from the process as well?

V. Discovery of Resilience

With our journey of vulnerability, we explore how “a great transformation begins when we look at our minds with curiosity and respect rather than fear and avoidance.”36 And

in embracing the sacrifice, pain and chaos of the unexpected nature that life is, a beautiful development of peace and maturity can arise. The final realization and step of my film and artistic work is that I believe we all possess this inherent ability to rise above dark or tragic circumstances to eventually reach a place of strength beyond what we realized possible. My

32Brené Brown. Daring Greatly, How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead. UK: Penguin

Random House, 2012, 43

33Brown, 58 34Brown, 74 35Brown, 37

first year of artistic research revolved around my obsession with vulnerability, and this became the artistic compass of which I would navigate the waters of research and project work. But with time I would come to develop distance to my own personal situation and with that came a natural development of new thoughts and therefore new research questions. I came to reframe my life differently as well as cultivate new coping strategies for my health condition - and I was then left ruminating over what comes next? Indeed, what is beyond vulnerability? Vulnerability is the beginning, but what is the next stage? I dove deeper into the concept of crisis and transformation, and how can crisis serve us? Or more importantly, what does transformation entail?37

Oftentimes we don’t necessarily know when we have grown until we have sufficient space, time and comprehension of the past – but the fascinating realm of growth is that it is ongoing, ever-present. How do you know when you are actually “strong”, when you have grown from your experiences and no longer fit in the shell of your past-you? If the

terminology above of vulnerability, trust and intuition are difficult to capture then resilience is something just as invisible or evasive. According to Jung, “(he) believed the human psyche has a mechanism to look backward after a crisis, and a mechanism to look forward when facing a challenge.”38 And this is indeed where the discovery of resilience arises, because it

requires analysis, distance and time. Within my own personal journey at school, and the narrative that I’m trying to sculpt, I am actively looking and open to the transformative power of adaptability, of development, of resiliency: “Neuroscience supports the idea that

developing the reflective skills of mindsight activates the very circuits that create resilience and well-being and that underlie empathy and compassion as well.”(Pg xiv-xv mindsight) With reflection, healthy coping skills such as practicing patience, compassion and self-love we all have the ability to learn from our difficulties.

Writing this final, conclusive part of resiliency is the most challenging for me, because it requires further transparency on my part. I don’t feel that I’m as “resilient” as I hope, wish or see in the characters of my film work for example. But in that confession, perhaps there is already an act of evolution on my part. Yes, shame is a companion who tags along my

journey and perhaps I’ll never be rid of, but avoiding the past or challenges brings about only more shame and stagnation:

In our shame, we often try to ignore that a meltdown has occurred. But if we own the truth of what has happened, not only can we begin to repair the damage – which can be quite toxic to ourselves as well as to others – we can also actually decrease the intensity of such events and the frequency with which they occur.39

It’s a daily practice for me to embrace the darker sides of my own low points, just as much as I embrace the rise and light of repair of my own present and future self. There is no benefit in avoiding or ignoring a meltdown, crisis, or a humbling circumstance – rather how you choose to cope is of the utmost importance. Through self-compassion as a tool, patience and not only seeing the bravery and courage in others but also seeing this within ourselves is a path of tremendous, potential healing. “Owning our story and loving ourselves through (that) process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.”40 As Brown continuously points out, those who are

the most resilient are actually those who believe the most in their worthiness. 41 My characters

37Daniel J. Siegel. Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. Bantam, 2010, xvi

38Kim Hudson. The Virgin's Promise: Writing Stories of Feminine Creative, Spiritual, and Sexual Awakening Michael Wiese Productions,

2009, 5

39Siegel,25

40Brené Brown. Rising strong. Random House, 2015, 40

41Brené Brown. Daring Greatly, How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead. UK: Penguin

in my film are wholehearted individuals living their lives with struggles that I will never fully fathom, and resilience that I will never truly comprehend either. But one thing is for certain, they pick themselves up. They own their stories, they don’t get hung up on feeling victimized for the circumstances that are out of their control, rather they make the most of what they do have control of.

Let there be pain, let there be suffering. Go through the dark night, and you will reach a beautiful sunrise. It is only in the womb of the dark night that the sun evolves. It is only through the dark night that the morning comes.42

My short film “Rise” is about many things, but it is essentially a film about loving oneself. I’ve had to - and still am - coming to terms with the difficulties of what it means to love oneself wholeheartedly, flaws and all. With these two years I have become my own case study. And I am humbled, every day. Your health has that way of bringing you back to reality and the fleetingness of life. But it is in the most difficult of moments in our lives that can become the most powerful opportunities to explore ourselves and our connections with one another.43 And with the extreme spectrum of hardship and joy, we come to find our inherent

resilience is there all along – edging us forward. “It is the middle way between chaos and rigidity—the flow of independent voices linked together in harmony—that maximizes both complexity and vitality.”44 How we choose to harmonize that spectrum is within our own

control, what we define as our perception of the world is up to us and is within our own control. I believe that the courage that the characters of my film have can inspire others to be willing to be more vulnerable, and therefore more courageous. This goes hand-in-hand with how “(v)ulnerability begets vulnerability; courage is contagious.”45 Being open and sharing

our authentic selves with one another is healing transformed.

We live in a fear-based society where we place high value upon perfectionism and success. Those two dynamics are idealized and toxically intertwined; it is present and ingrained in us to the extreme point where we not only glorify success stories, but we are almost repulsed by anything otherwise. We place less priority on the actual process – and the struggles involved. I believe that we don’t necessarily honor the struggle as much as we honor the end result. We like to paint a picture that the underdog is important – but we tend to value the end result the most.

Mental health is a global crisis, everything from depression, eating disorders, PTSD, suicide – it’s a wide spectrum that continues to be prevalent through societies. As of now on a global scale we are all humbled to the crisis that is Covid19; herein lies an opportunity to practice healthy coping skills and connection. How can this crisis serve you? It’s incredibly humbling, an emotional whirlwind and can be overwhelming, and confusing and you feel that the horizon is murky and cloudy as can be. So how to navigate this? But it’s ironically quite a good metaphor/time structure, comparison to relate to my own work. How can we as a society rise again to the turmoil that Covid19 has placed upon us? Potentially traumatizing with crisis, how do we cultivate resilience? Brené Brown has been a strong advocate of mental health awareness, bringing light to the taboos and stigmas of shame and vulnerability. In our landscape of mental health, one thing is for certain and that more discourse is needed.

This has been a surprising journey for me, one that has tested me to the limits of my own mental and emotional thresholds, but it is nonetheless an incredible gift. Because our work is eventually leading to a finished product, in this case a film, my focus has often kept tunnel vision to this goal. I have been tempted to only focus on the end. But since my

42Osho. Love, Freedom, Aloneness: The Koan of Relationships. New York: St. Martin’s Griffin. 2001, 37 43Daniel J. Siegel. Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. Bantam, 2010, 36

44Siegel, 66

45Brené Brown. Daring Greatly, How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead. UK: Penguin

learnings here at school, and the fact that our course is entitled, “Documentary Processes” I’ve felt the luxury of focusing on mistakes, difficulties and what has kept my process fruitful. My persistence has been tested, as well as my dedication, and here it has become a much healthier way of approaching work sustainably, “You can measure your worth by your dedication to your path, not by your successes or failures.”46 Regardless of the tangible end

results of these two years the real treasure for me has been in the process. There is such a priority placing significance on “success” or weight put on the outcome of what comes out of “failure”. However, this internal limitation and expectation of accomplishment itself is quite a vicious cycle. It can lead to an ongoing process of placing value on the labeling of someone and their successes, rather than placing equal value on their failures that were arguably as necessary to their “success”.

I would like to conclude with the great psychiatrist Carl Jung and his humble proposal for us all that: “I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become.”47 We must

perpetuate healthier models of living, and I believe that the stories we share are one modality of influence. The responsibility that I feel as a filmmaker is a heavy weight taken seriously, but it more of a privilege than it could ever be a burden.

I feel that my research here at my Master’s program is really just the tip of the iceberg, and I look forward to pursuing the potential of a lifetime of new discoveries to come. If I were to sum up the essence of what I’ve learned, it is that in embracing vulnerability we actually carve out space for our own resiliency.

46Elizabeth Gilbert. Big magic: Creative living beyond fear. Bloomsbury Publishing, 2015, 41

47Brené Brown. Daring Greatly, How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead. UK: Penguin

References

Bok, Bengt. Encounter with the Other: Some reflections on interviewing by Bengt Bok. Stockholms dramatiska högskola, 2019.

Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We

Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Great Britain: Penguin Life, 2015.

Brown, Brené. Rising Strong. First edition. New York: Spiegel & Grau, an imprint of Random House, 2015.

Hudson, Kim. The Virgin's Promise: Writing Stories of Feminine Creative, Spiritual, and

Sexual Awakening. Michael Wiese Productions, 2009.

Larsson, Hans. Intuition: några ord om diktning och vetenskap. Dialoger, 1997.

Siegel, Daniel J. Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. Bantam, 2010. Stanghellini, Giovanni and Rosfort, René. Emotions and Personhood: Exploring Fragility -

Making Sense of Vulnerability. 1st edition. Oxford, UK: Oxford University Press, 2013.

McGinn, Colin, and Colin Mac Ginn. Mindsight. Harvard University Press, 2004. Kelly, Vernon C., and Mary C. Lamia. The Upside of Shame: Therapeutic Interventions

Using the Positive Aspects of a" negative" Emotion. WW Norton & Company, 2018.

Osho. Love, Freedom, Aloneness: The Koan of Relationships. New York: St. Martin’s Griffin, 2001.