The horse that became a bird 

Hedda Hultman Essay MA fine arts
 Konstfack 2021

THE

FORTUNATE

INDECISION

I invite you to read these texts to find the answers you might need. If you don’t find the answers the first time, please read it again and also remember that the cycle is not necessarily linear.

The first pages consist of a list of archetypes that can help you navigate through the stories. From the naive optimistic horse who has the mind of a child to the fountain where the cycle ends with all the experiences from earlier events.

The pieces fall perfectly together, especially when deciding not to decide where it’s going to lead.  

The horse (0)

naivety and longing, unrealistic dreams, to believe there’s only one path to happiness  

The girl (1)

To find comfort in being independent, afraid to be in charge of one's own life, inferior  

The printmaker (2)

Longing and sorrow, see the bigger picture, growing perspective 

The red cloth (3)

Unconditional love, feeling happy for and with others, platonic love, warning for symbiosis 

The barrow (4)

Listen outwards instead of inwards, losing the core, ungrounded 

Hands (5)

Listen inwards, balance, grounded, warning for the need for confirmation 

Rhythm (6)

Mental strength, happiness, strong emotions, releasing feelings with control, trusting emotions, enjoying emotions, focus, vulnerability 

Dance (7)

Physical and mental harmony, sensuality, sexuality, balance 

The House (8)

Relaxation, integrity, unthreatened 

Spirals (9)

Worry, anxiety, overthinking, stuck in one's head, solving-mind, need for control   

The dark red door (10)


Longing, seeking for answers, seeking in general 

Fluidity (11) 

Being present, inspiration, energy, give all

The hole (12) 

Adaptation, loss of control, curiosity

The vault (13)

Go towards the goal, strength, self-belief    

The forest (14)

Oxygenation, new energy, perishability

The fish (15) 

Aware of the soul, attentive, not overlook signals  

The Garden (16)

The ground shakes, new start, scared/

afraid of the unknown, beginnings and endings 

The mallard (17)

The inner life, united soul and mentality, meeting oneself  

The bed (18)

Revelation, seeing what's important in life, avoid toxic energies

The hike (19)

Willing to leave things even if it might hurt, long term thinking, stubbornness 

The mirror (20)

See things from different perspectives, harmony, adapting to current

circumstances 

The fountain (21)

Full circle, well-needed pause, revelation, make use of experience 


Following stories were tied up in a rope. The rope hung tangled in the ceiling for weeks before I finally decided to take it down, mainly for practical reasons. 

Caroline's daughters part I  (Caroline) 

There it was, shimmering on the bottom of the fountain(21), my glass eye. 

     I got my eye replaced by a glass eye at age seven because one of my classmates accidentally poked my real eye with a metal stick. I’d heard that the fountain was going to take all my troubles away if I threw something of great value. I'm not sure what I hoped for, but maybe that it would give me back my real eye or at least heal my broken soul. Such a childish thought, which fairytale dimension did I think I lived in. 

     The separation anxiety that struck me was bigger than I'd imagined, but since this piece of glass had been inside of my body for thirty-six years and at some conceptual level had helped me see the world, I gave myself permission to sob.  

The horse that became a bird 

The horse’s(0) mother, Caroline, was a nurse. 

Through rage and physiological suffering, the horse thought of the mother as a great inspiration. The life with memories was horrible, the horse felt as if it was a small little dove, an inexperienced fragile small dove with no purpose. Was it supposed to deliver mail or spend time with the brother's Lionheart or just try to catch food and give eggs? 

What was felt

When the family had walked through a damp forest(14) and dry meadows and their feet were wrinkled from the moist, a sudden shift in the vibrations of the air could be felt. If it had felt bouncy before, the new feeling was plainer and floating and everything was the same but also utterly different. The birds were twittering and scruffing in the bushes, a squirrel jumped from branch to branch but the air was different. The family exchanged glances and silently they knew it was the appearance of the egg. 

The revelation of the fountain 

I had heard about a category of herbs that are supposed to give you what is missing in your body. The herbs can only be found in an alpine landscape, but since my travel now had taken an unplanned route I might as well just give it a shot. I felt weird without my eye. I wanted the herb to give me back the filling to the hole in my face, which before was a piece of glass, but now I’m not so sure. 

Caroline’s daughters part II

For her birthday the horse got a 20% discount code on her favorite skincare shop and one photograph of a celebrity she barely knew about. If looking closely at the photo, one could spot a tiny nip-slip of the celebrity which gave the photograph another dimension of value to her. From her sister, she got the experience of itching a scab from her leg, something she liked doing on herself but when given as a present it just felt disturbing. 

     She didn’t meet her sister very often anymore, they lived in separate rooms and lived separate lives.

It felt very good. She was tired of having her shadow around and now as she turned thirty-two she was done with the comparing. Comparing herself to her sister in general but her performance in the Nature Orden in particular. They were both parts of the Nature Orden which their great grandmother started in the early twentieth century. The responsibilities of the Orden had reduced during the years and now it consisted of 

1. Clean the main areas once a week 2. Plan meetings 

3. Keep the pot boiling 

And then, of course, be a good representative for the group. She was bored of it all but she also didn’t want to betray her great grandmother. 

     The pot was a brew partly made from an adaptogen herb that gave the body exactly what it needed, and she suspected it to be the reason the Orden had any members at all. Most of the members were old ladies and some gentlemen with long eyelashes. She thought that the long eyelashes came from the brew. The ladies had short hair which they collectively brushed on Tuesdays while the men watched and waved with their eyelids. 

     The horse took the name Veronika for herself when she was sixteen years old and since her sister clearly had no character she took the same name. It was also part of the problematic relationship they now had, people kept on mixing them up with their names and similar looks. 

     It felt like there was no such thing as meaning to her life, she wanted to feel needed, have a

purpose. She thought a lot about a story Caroline used to tell her and her sister when they were small. 

The Servant

How was it again, the story about the Servant?  

In the softest moss in the deep forest of Mallard County, a house(8) entirely built out of leaves could be seen. The owner of the house was The Servant who served everyone who possibly could need a helping hand. The Servant had to water the house every day to keep the leaves moist. She had a routine in her forest life, the first thing she did when she woke up was to water the front side of the house, it took her about three hours while she then had a two-hour listening break. She listened to the forest and the wind and if something sounded different she knew that something or someone might need her help.

The morning hours were usually calm, and after some active listening, she would water the backside of the house. So the day went on and in the afternoon she had another listening session. 

     One night when the house was watered and the dinner was eaten, the servant heard something that differed from the soundscape she was used to. It was a distant sound and she leaned over to the

window to hear better. The sound went straight into her core, she couldn’t remember ever hearing such a beautiful sound. It was not a melody, just a single sound and it filled her with happiness. This was not the sound of someone who needed help, this was the sound of something that wanted her presence. 

     She wandered out in the darkness of the forest, and while walking the sound changed. Still as meltingly beautiful but the servant could distinguish something that sounded like a word

”Milk!” 

She didn’t get the context of the word but it all made perfect sense. She started running towards the sound. 

”Milk, milk!” 

She ran, something wanted her, so beautifully, it must be a holy creature creating this sound. The servant thought that this could be the mission of her life. The evening turned into night and the night into dusk and when the sun was high on the sky again she had still not found what it now maybe. The cry had not been going on the whole night, she heard it three, four times before it got completely silent and she knew she soon had to go home to water the house, but just a few hours more she thought.  

Indescribable feeling 

Sofie sat in her chair, gazing at the yellow house on the other side of the road. A Christmas star hung in the top window, downstairs in what probably was the kitchen she could see a woman wipe the bench.

The radio was singing songs and it made her feel safe and comfortable but also terribly lonely. 

     She decided to let her body stretch out on the mattress and walked over to the corner where it was placed. She fell asleep straight away and didn’t wake up until the TV was turned on. She looked up and felt happy, wanted to yell ”Hi!” But couldn’t make herself do it, all that came out was “hhhh”. 

The man on the sofa whom she recognized very well looked at her and said:

*Hey, you”. 

His eyes were hanging.

He had fallen asleep on the sofa in the morning, at first she tried to be quiet around the house but soon she realized he wasn’t gonna wake up anyway so she did her usual routine. 

Ate breakfast on the kitchen floor

Walked aimlessly around the house 

Played with the toy-pig outside 

When she came back he was still asleep and at noon when he woke up he said:

”Hey, you”. 

And she said:

”You were tired today.”

He tried to act as if he didn’t understand what she meant, but she said:

”You slept all day.” 

And she could tell that he felt uncomfortable  

He said:

”Yes what do you expect when I’m up all night writing my memoirs?” 

And she said:

”As if you have anything to write in your memoirs?” 

And he said:

”Well, I have not yet told you the story about the barrow(4).”

The Barrow

It was Christmas Eve and I wasn’t expecting it to happen this exact night. It used to happen more frequently in my younger days, often in the shower, and at first, I was just taken by the experience.

Left confused. 

It all came and went so fast that I never got to understand what it was. After experiencing it a few times I tried to prepare for it in different ways. 

One time I brought food into the shower, I also brought ice-cold fizzy drinks and CD-player but nothing felt satisfying. It wasn’t until I grew older and met my husband, got married, and had children that I found out what the feeling was about. 

     One evening, twenty years ago, my youngest was having a bath, playing with different plastic toys.

A superhero doll, a tiny sailing boat, and a barrow. She kept on throwing the barrow out of the bathtub so I let it be on the floor until the bath was over. Afterward, when I was about to clean up the

bathroom, I wiped the tiles and bent down to pick up the barrow when I saw that it was facing a spot on the wall where one of the tiles was missing. 

I hadn’t noticed it before, which made me feel like a bad housekeeper and also a bad parent. What if one of my children accidentally would have crawled into the hole? 

     I moved the plastic barrow to get a closer look, but as soon as I moved it, the hole closed itself. I put the barrow back and the hole opened. 

What was this, a magical key to another dimension? A shy rippling sound came from the wall, and as I glanced into the hole I saw water splashing and spilling out from a marble fountain. 

Full of it

The man on the other side of the yard sits and stands and sits again and takes off his shirt and back on again and the cleaner cleaned away too much dirt and he can no longer smell himself.

That’s what the letter said. 

And the man looked and his hands(5) while his eyes grew and stretched out of his head like a snail. 

I wanted to know more but the letter continued with 

Love,  Oscar 

Who was Oscar? I once knew someone named Oscar but I can assure you that he wouldn’t write to me after what happened at the ceremony.  

The Garden(16)   

The construction looked perfect on the drawing, just the right amount of pieces put together to become a beautifully planned shelf. I could see the shelf in front of me, filled with all my favorite books and ceramic sculptures and maybe even a little aquarium. I had always wanted a Japanese warrior fish(15), my neighbor Oscar from when I was growing up had one and he told me that it would come swimming towards him if he called its name. 

     This was possible because his family had made their whole house into a big aquarium. His skin was always wrinkled because of the water and we used to call him ‘Mister sandwich paper’ behind his back. 

     The fish lived for seven human years. We were no longer friends when it died but he insisted on inviting me to a ceremony in memory of the fish. We all gathered around a big mirror in the yard of his family's aquarium house. The mirror was supposed to reflect the light like water, like the habitat of his beloved Japanese warrior fish. 

(Oscar)

“And make sure to call me when you arrive, okay?”

“Okay.” 

I said okay only to make her less worried, but I surely was not gonna call because the whole point of me going away was to not be around the people in my town. 

     When I got to my destination, the first thing I did was to buy a new keychain in the tax-free shop. I wanted to start fresh and keys felt very essential, something I'd always carry with me. The keychain was a silver ring attached to a soft smiling mallard(17). I didn't love it but I’m a slow grower. I dislike things at first and over time I get more and more attached. This might sound contradictory since I am leaving my hometown, but I see no other solution. The last years have been a ride to hell and back. 

     The hell started when I was a kid actually, my dad carried an odd disease that made him allergic to oxygen so we had to fill our house with water. 

Observation from the close neighborhood

five meters up, thirteen centimeters to the left of the metallic fork sculpture, it is five past three now. At ten past three, the clock will burst out in a jolly melody that will make everyone in the village know that now is the time to feed the dogs, to take the bread out of the oven, to turn on the coffee, and to make the bed. 

Saturday was a day to remember, we all sat in the lobby of the hotel and talked about the night hours before. Sofie had found a red toothpaste that we ate together and it made us feel inseparable as if we were a unique group of animated characters. 

It was a mixture of happiness and excitement and fear. The humans in the lobby were laughing in their big winter outfits and we all wanted to show off our great social skills. Humans are always ready to show off their social skills. Emilia told us a story about when the clock rang in her dad’s ears a few years earlier.

Her dad

Every morning Emilia's dad would drink one full 50 cl glass of water mixed with bicarbonate before he went out on his daily walk. He walked past the old couple's house, over to the house with the young and sporty family who had three dogs and five cars. Their children were very loud and all had

boyfriends or girlfriends with bad skin. He thought it was depressing. 

Next, he would come to Ingeborg’s house, a woman he had seen around for ages, he almost saw her as his grandma even though they didn’t know each other. 

     She had two pugs he once knew the names of but now with all medication he couldn’t remember it anymore. The memory loss was bothering him in the beginning, mostly because of awkward moments where he would tell the same story twice to the same person, or as in the case where he forgot the names of Ingeborg’s dogs. But as time passed he actually started to enjoy not remembering, he was less worried and he could eat the same dish every day without getting tired of it. 

Now as he was standing in front of the giant clock together with another group of people, he got a whiff of spontaneity and said: 

“Hello we might be friends but I can’t remember so I say hello just in case”

and one of the humans answered 

“We are not friends but you are more than welcome to join us at the library”

And so they went to the library, 

then to the library café for a cappuccino.

One of the humans suggested going to the cinema. a movie called “The printmaker and the spirals”

had caught his eye but he wanted to watch it with company. The cinema was big and empty and smelled of old wool blankets and the movie truly was nerve-wracking. Emilias' dad understood why the man didn’t want to watch it alone.

The printmaker and the spirals (movie summary)  (Oscar’s dad)

In a small society, a boy grew up with his mom, dad, and brother. His brother suffered from MS and faded away slowly, and his dad carried a lot of suppressed emotions. The mom was kind and

comforting and fed the hedgehogs in the garden with pancakes. 

   The printmaker got involved with music. He especially enjoyed wind instruments but his dad did not, he thought it was terribly loud. The printmaker started a band that became very successful and he met a woman, a singer, a celebrity! 

He could not believe he got to be with a celebrity, she took him to fancy parties and bought him a gold-plated clock.  

It all went so fast, being a child and a youth and suddenly an adult. Looking back at his childhood it seemed like it was just filled with different shapes that didn’t fit together. 

     The relationship with the celebrity ended, the printmaker decided to become a printmaker and to live a poor life with no family or children. 

These thoughts were placed on top of each other with three centimeters distance, one to the left and one to the right. The printmaker thought it was unpleasant to have the thoughts so clearly placed in his head and he decided to empty the brain to better understand the shapes. 

He wasn’t sure how to do it, but he read a lot on Wikipedia and after months of studying the subject of matter he bought a small sharp knife and a mirror with built-in lamps. 

He was surprisingly calm when he sat in front of the mirror and as he made the first cut in the scalp he felt relieved. He took out squares and triangles and some more abstract forms and he put them all back again in what he thought was a better structure. It was a bit like playing Tetris and the whole procedure was over within ten minutes. 

He felt better, he felt like he had hacked evolution. The only thing that was bothering him was a sudden breathing problem, the oxygen felt heavy in his lungs. He spread his arms to widen the chest, water, he needed water. 

He drank a whole bowl of water and felt better for a moment but soon weak and out of breath again. It seemed like he had to continuously drink water to keep his energy level, it was as if he was breathing through the water. 

Practical use of a rope:

Help someone who has fallen out from a window 

Throw someone out from a window for fun to then be able to pull them in again Binding two pieces of wood together

Find the way back when lost in a forest

Use as a dog leash if the original dog leash disappears Use as a lasso when trying to catch a moving creature  Make an ample for a plant 

Measure the height of a table

Combine with other things so create a still life