Anti-crite, 1994 April 1

- .Mesa State College

NTI-CRITE

FRIDAY, APRIL

11994

GRAND

JUNCTION, COLORADO

Fred Garvin

Male Prostitute

Fourteen Mesa State College students are outraged at the recent decision by the administration to ban students from the Ben Flyby-nighthorse College Center. Brigham Black-Alive, directorof the College Center, made the an-nouncement on Thursday at the slop house, formally known as the dining hall.

"Under my control, the col-lege center is going to make mon-ey," sneered Black-Alive. 'This is my place of business. Students are no longer allowed here."

Countless srudents(14)voiced their concerns after the announce-ment. Freshman Derick

Watsm-yasson tried to hide his anger when

be stood and asked, "What the hell are you doing you srupid bas-tard?"

Kim Brownnose, a junior at

•

MSC, was delighted with the de-cision. "Hurray for Brigham!" she screamed like a cheerleader. "He always said, 'Get rid of the stu-dents and Mesa might be a well-run institution."

Many students (14) were es-pecially upset at the decision. "We can't even go into the bookstore anymore," whined Senior Ohara Hillworms "But then again, what do l care? I graduate in a month." Eventually all student-run

or-ganizations housed in the college center will be moved off campus, explained Black-Alive. "The Ac-tivities Council and those ethnic clubs will be housed where Air-time is presently located. The Stu-dent Body Association will move to the Little Mav's playground, the Outdoors program will relo-cate to the top floor of the Hilton, the Anti-Crite will go to a drain-age ditch just east of Palisade, and KMSA can go to hell. I just want

Dining Hall takes it in rear

Sheri In-A-Glass

SBAbores-me Reporter

Due to the recent decision to move all student organizations out of the Ben Flyby-nighthorse College Center, Turd Landing, director of the dining ball, not the cafeteria,

has started construction on a new dining facility to cater to the rejected students.

Construction, as many students have noticed, has been underway for several weeks on 12th Street between North Ave-nue and Elm Street.

Apparently Landing came up with the

idea for the new dining area after visiting a local petting zoo just outside of town.

Landing noticed that with a lrougb-like facility like pigs use to eat, he could feed

the entire student body at once with

mini-mal cleanup.

"The food troughs will give stu-dents, faculty, and stray animals a chance to mingle closely with one an-other," Landing explained.

Students seem enthusiastically cu-rious about the new dining hall. Psy-chology major, Dee S'gusted asked, "Let me get this straight, we're like, just supposed to get down on our knees and eat like·a bunch of pigs!'

"Yeah ... pigs," Landing respond-ed, as if in a trance.

Landing insisted that the idea isn't as ugly as it looks, "I wouldn't try it, but my dog got a huge kick out of it After eating, be wallowed around in the slop for over an hour. I bad to drag

him out."

Rising retiree registration renders residency renovation

The MSC Cheerleading squad prepares for

the

Senior

CenlU

1rDl.md-breakin&.

LR. T'yard

Fred's FailKirl

The dorms at Mesa State College are being renovated to make

room

for approx-imately 5,000 new senior citi7.en students

expected next semester. A" tent city" will provide temporary housing forpresentdorm residents on the college's south campus located at D and 29 roads.

The age-challenged srudents will be as-sessed a $5,000 monthly fee for room and board. This fee includes warm milk at bedtime and hand-crocheted toilet paper-covers in every bathroom, said Brigham Black -Alive, director of the MSC Seniors-R-Us development committee.

Plans for the senior life community in-clude a bingo hall, square dance pavilion and indoor putting green, Black-Alive ex-plained.

"We want to do whatever we can to encourage enrollment of age-challenged individuals. Education is an important

pur-suit for everyone. Besides," O'Hope add-ed, "they're the ones with the really, really big bucks."

The decision to renovate present facili-ties, according to O'Hope, came about because the median student age at MSC rose from age 25 in the 1992-93 year, to age 55 in 1993-94. "If this trend continues, by the year 2000, more than half of the stu-dents at MSC will be older than dirt," O'Hope said.

Expulsion of present campus residents is expected to begin at 5 am., April 2. Black-Alive, roundup coordinator, said be looks forward to using skills he learned in a paramilitary "summer fun camp" last year. "This move is coordinated in con-junction with the closure of the college center to students," he explained. "It's re-ally a win, win, win situation. Well, for me anyway, but that's off the record. What, are you taping this or something? ... You can't print this!"

VOLUME

60,

NUMBER

1

'

•

them out of my college center once and for all."

Only the copy center will re-main, Hatey Coughinganus ex-plained. "We have no business anyway. A few less students won't make a difference."

Several students (3) have de-cided to take action. "We are dis-tributing a petition around campus. We didn't get enough signatures last week so we'll just keep grabbing srudents out of the

balls until we get 10 percent."

M.:~

,

§e@

'

¢9JJegels

hnplementum

~

cost er

~

fedtf~

·

sbntUe·

$~.-vJce

tor stuctJ*1~\vh9 find

it aggj;avatlhg: (() walk aU

Jhe way

li;om Houston

llall

tc> the

cQUege

~n· ter. When one of the lawn maln~nante golf

carts

drives by simply

hop

<>14

The

drtvetJ ask

that

atude.a.ts

.

watch.

their ~ ./Wh~ll junip.-lng

tm

and

t.l{femember

:::: ti)

tfe~

:

·

: ::· ..

::C:'l· ::::

:-:.:·:·:;_ .. _, .. ::;. :i:•~·:•A} ,:;:;·;· .... ; •..

MSC parking

at-' tendants are crad<lng · l°downonstudentsdueto· ,

~;. tht lnct;ea$U Jllegal parking

on

atmpus;.Tlie' attendants belieYe'lssn· jlngtickets ~ no\.tnough.

[$tarting

$OC>n,

the

at·

; tendants 'willJofal cars.

,

~,

:

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..

"'

\

Refer~~dt)rn

1

₅₈

_w.a

finally

passecf:on1'hu:rs-d.a_y

bJa.jOperceof vott

or

the

students.

During the 13,140

~ling

days, Ml,st~ents.-Yoted for ~od 36

vot*1

agldtl$t.

Due to

tb.t·''recent

ap-pro'.t.lT

91

R~(~~J\dum

~94

the,

.

$JlA.

~~-~~ided

w

use

botli

'

coustttutio~

as

:

·it~fil

~.ff~r

inore

to

(lebate-

~nt

:'

lu

their

... ,_,meet.~·::.,::r.· ,, .. , ;;,

Section F

arts

Bitchin'

Sports~

There

are no sports

~1tl

this week since no one

~

reads them

anyway

~ :

Ego strokes on

people

who

no

.one cares about

Long-winded

rehash

of

the top

story on page 1

•• Story on

page

3 ••

~

•• No story, no

page ·:

---Section F

arts

&

sports

and other useless info

1 Apr'94

Todayi's Health Tip: Neverlbuy yard-5ale

epndoms.

.·. ;. :

Calenclar of Nom Events

A_prll l ~ Polls open for SBA elections. Ten percent of the student body must get out of bed and vote or SBA officers may do it for you.

April 7 - Homosexual Environmentalists Club sponsors Habit.atfor Hamsters member-ship drive. All lifestyle choice groups are welcome to attend.

April 11 - Liberals Anonymous special meeting to discuss the implications of a new study by the AMA which provides evidence linking genetics to dysfunctional political philosophy.

April 14 - "Spam. What Is ltT' Seminar by Turd Landing in Kraze(!I Eagle at I p.m. Bring your own straw.

A_pril 16 - Polls close, unless the wrong candidates mistakenly receive a majority. ln which ca,;e the election will be extended until I. Aranunai Russ is satisfied with What comes out

April 22 - Circle of Satanic rriends annual spring sacrifice to be held in the quad at midnight. Cliild care will be provided. B.Y.O.S.

April 31 - All classes canceled. Dr. Ray O'Hope's birthday. No celebration, or anything. It's just the old boy's birdday, so give him the bird.

,

In ifouche

Criteb·oy g

,

oes

head-to-head

with

The Daily lnsignificant's

sta:r columnist, P. I. Pu..ffirnsfflff

CRITEBOY: .Hi, P. I. Thank you for taking time out for this interview.

P. I.: Like, yeah.

CR.ITEBOY: You write columns and reviews for The Daily Insignificant, right?

P.1.: Like, sure.

CRITEBOY: You sometimesanendfine

arts productions here at Mesa State,.right? P. I.: Like, uh-uh.

CRITEBOY: It's been rumored·amund campus that you are perhaps a little hard on some of the Mesa St.ate produetions. Would

you care to respond to your detractors? P. I.: What tractors? For god's sake, aren't there enough tractors in this hick county without having Lhern atMesa State? I mean. geeze ...

CRlffEDOY: No, no. I said detractors. You know, opponents, enemies, hitrnen.

P. I.: Oh, yeah. Sure, I got plenty to say

to Lhose sniveling whiners!

CRFI'EBOY: I have all night.

P. I.: Wbatzat?Do I wanna spend the night? Watch it, boy. I know the sexual

harassment laws, you know.

CRITEBOY: It was just a figure of speech. I meant you can speakyour peace, er, voice your opinion, for as Jong as you want You know, get things off your chest, er, mind. Okay?

P. I.: Yeah, like, well, as you know, I'm from Thee Coast and I find everything here

to be sooooo, like, out of it. ya know? It's like, when I came here wilh my dog, L. J. Sniffanli~. and my litUe hubby, uh, er ...

well anyway, all three of us were like, "Oh,

wow, so this is what the sixties were like." I mean, bey people, this is the nineties!

And Lhe stuff they call art over at that tacky litUe college. I just can't, like, deal wilh it, you know? 1 mean, out on Thee

Coast, junior high students do better.

Truly ungifted can strut

their

s

1

t11J1lf io new

·progiram

_Barneylf»zbeeo _

Nontrad Creep with a'tude

Students with a grade point average between .001 and 1.111 may qualify for the new Dishonors Program, according to Molly Hatch-lt.

"We're awfully tickled about Lhis new program." said Jlat.cb.Jt. "We feel some students, and we really, truly mean this, and they ought to be placed on a pedestal.

"What I'm trying to say is that J.ome

studeFlt.s do so baq, they deserve to be singled out and given special treatment," Hatch~lt added.

Five new courses will be set aside ior

these special students. The courses will be offere_d beginning wJth the fall 1994 se-meste.r. The following is a tentative de-scription of the Dishonors Program. Jt positively cannot be altered, Hatch-It said. Television Cartoon Engli'ib 070: This course utilizes the~iveabsorptionmeth-od ofleaming. Since classroomJnstruction

consists entirely of cartoon rerull'i with special emphasis on "BeavisandB utthead,"

RO instructor is necessary. Spooial items .needed include sleeping.mat, pillow, milk and Graham crackers.

"M.-th \\'Jth Meaning 012! Forget ev-erything about decimal J)Oints and tenths

and all tbatrot This olass will focus on 12, asin 12driving violation points and you're in deep do-do, will explain the mystery of how other students actually graduatedfrom public school in just 12 year.s, and instruct students on how to count to 12 using only their two hands and one other body pan.

History of North A venue 6&24: This course will trace Lhe mindless wanderings of Grand Junction's storied background in

cruising. Guest instructor will be noted loafer Prinster Fenderwell, whose best-selling book, "Great Gas Stations of Grand Junction," earned him Lhe Charles Kurault Award for road writing. Hands-on steering wheel class outings will inblude treks to such famous sites as Der Weinerdog and will conclude with a fir.sthanH examination of the ultimate cruising e,perience,-Lhe

Jhree.J>uke Woodsy.

Psychology for Enquiri~gMinds: This

class will provide answers to the questions most asked by the average Dishonors Pro-gram student Student athletes wJill Jeam w.bat coachesnredll when tlley say, "Use your .head." Fine arts students can trace the beginning and ending of the circle. And literature enthusiasts will.finally learn what

old Bill meant by "to be or not to be." College .Ah"Thlisrnthn 'Made "F..y

~ Since 98 percent of our college ad-JD.inistrators 1tam.1: from Diishonors

J>ro-grams, we would be remiss to omit a college adnimistration class. The bilg cheese

him-self, Dr. Ray O'Hope, will instruct this once-weekly, 30-minuteclass. Students will spend the remainder of the iieqUired hours doing what real administrators do: hiding out, dodging issues and giv,ing other stu-dents confusinginfunnation.

Extra space filled

This is extra space. Itis being filled late at night by three guys with absolutely no social lives. You.might be asking yourself,

"Exactly bow is extra space filledT' "Very

carefully," I would answer.For instance, you can't just start typing random lettersaljdlfnvcmnbeihglklkf,,kjlw, be-causi! no on.e will continue to read it. This wayit'smoreofamystery. Youaresaying,

"Where is he going with this? How will it end'r' I must admit, I don't i:eally know. I could easily plop down a gf¥hic here and

can

it good. Or I could acquse President Bubba of sleeping with his mother. Either option would be a worthle. s attempt to .hold your attention muchJonger. Whether you are still reading Lhis or not, my job is

complete. This extra space bas been filled.

Sports: Sonya Tights signs $6.66 gazillion

,

deal

with Bronchos

SPECIAL

rro

THE ANFI-CRITE: We don't have any detail,; of the story, but we're obligated to run a story about the Heifers' stud, or whatever, every week. So, there!

No Tell

Motel

Vacancy

Come on o" er

ands.tt us

-we'll have

a bed

ready for you!

No T.

V.,

No Raclio.

JJ

ust get down to

business.

• Sanitized

Rooms!

• Disco-u.nt Daily for the first 10

"Smith" Couples!

• 'lr.hemeJooms for only a small

additional cost!

• Only $19.95

per

hour!

Call 438,.38.58 for

.reservations

6!,(9

Elm Street

Grand Junction, CO

81501

Nerds

For Hire!

Are you not mathematically inclined? Does Sociology

throw you for a loop? Do you feel unable to do as well

a:s

you need to for your degree?

Hire a substitute student!

For a price, we'll assume your identity, go tlo

your class, take your exams, and give you tlle

grade!

Piiice List

A: $750

B: $500

C: $350

D: $200

F: $100 *

[C"llll Neird

Help (

637-3435)

f01rit1111orre

information.

•

BITCHIN'

ANDe

MOANIN'

WHENEVER PAGE331/3

Apology:

The cartoon usually featured here will not be run until further notice. Apparently,

our cartoonists, who had been carpooling, failed to observe the recent ban prohibiting

students from entering the college center and were among the first examples. The

surviving staff of

Th.e Anti-Crite

regrets any inconvenience this may cause our readers.

The Anti-CriJe

will provide crayons to qualified applicants so they may draw their

own

editorial cartoons

as

needed. Submit applications for crayon licensing and

requests for colors to Brigham Black-Alive, do The Ben Flybynightho~ Campbell

College Center, Dungeon Level Four, Next

to the Rack, 1175 Texas Ave., Grand

Junction, CO, 81501. Applicants will be weighed for their protein content.

Student ban

good for business

Superb idea! BrighamBlack-Alive

campus residence halls are converted

has

announced that

the

Ben Ayby-

to a senior center. Problems will

ensue,

nighthorse Campbell College Center

however, if the student body becomes

(EC

3

)

will be off limits to all Mesa

too depopulated. It will prove very

State College students, effective im-

difficult,forexample,toconvlncepar-mediately. It's about time. Students at

ents to pay their children's tuition if

MSChavebeenQutofcontrolforyears,

said children are deceased.

and

it's time they were

shown

their

Essentially, students will only be

rightful place.

harmed

if

they resist. Since most MSC

.

Unfortunately, nobody

is quite

sure just where students are flaccid, pathetic, non-involved slugs,

that would be. Those few degenerates who hang out most will not be harmed. Many won't even notice the

at

The Anti-Crite and The Review of Depressing and absence of their deceased

peers, since they rarely

Suicidal

Literature.expressed aninterestinbeing let attend class anyway. Those students and student

out of

their

cells, but like

organizatiom

that

do not

most people who have had

resist will simply be

herd-breakdowns and have been

Once a few e:mmpln are set and the out-

edelsewhere,inasafeand

committed

to

mental insti-

side

walls of the cenur are riddled with

humane manner.

Black-tutiom for a

great

number

bullet

holes

•••

the survivors are sure to

Aifvesaidthecattle-prods

of

years, they

had

no idea

come into line.

would be set on low.

where they wanted

to

go,

On the whole,

ban-and were afraid that the

Ding students from the

spiders would get them anyway.

college center makes good business sense. Increased

Compassion is MSC's middle name (well, it's revenue will go straight to the padded pockets of

actually

'State'),

and

the

current ruling junta, the several key figures in the Commissariat. Franchise

Commissariat, will

do

everything in its power to operations

set

up in the vacant offices will net MSC

make the closure as smooth as possible. For example, an estimated $22 million per annum, provided the

Commissar Ray O' Hope has already set up barri-

deals go through and the DEA isn't notified.

cades and armed the campus Public

Safe-

Franchise owners have been quick to

ty

Goon Squad. Louis - • make deals with the

Com-Ferrykerry, GoonSquadcom-

- - ~ £ ~ ~ .

~JI

missariat.O~pizzacompa-mandant,

has

long expressed a wish

·

···H

0 . ~

_

~

ny has proI1Used to tum the

to be armed, but noted, "Guard duty isn't nearly

..

deal into a boon for the

com-as much fun com-as demolition."

munity by hiring veterans to replace students and

Killing students who violate the ban will be,

elirninatinganumberof"willworkforfood"signsin

regrettably, the only guarantee of absolute compli-

the

process.

ance. Once a few examples are

set

and the outside

Finally, MSC is making the right choices. The

walls of the center are riddled with bullet holes

and

ban is good for business and good for students. In

blood from the public executions, the survivors are conjunction with the

forced

march to the new tent

sure to come into line.

city being erected for displaced housing residents,

Mass executions are not, of course,

the

only the ban will accelerate the psychological growth of

answer. AdmittedJy, the student population could those not

slaughtered.

Students will no longer be the

use some thinning, and culling the herd would help pampered,

spoiled

youth we see today, but a

hard-.

the housing situation that is sure to arise when

the

on-

ened corps of sur~vors.

l~Q~~~J~,ai!~i~

9

~1

Horoscopes suck

E.ditor

:

I have a complaint. Your newspaper sucks

.

I admit that I haven't actually read one through,

but I have read the horoscope several times and

they've rarely proved true. Allow me to

elaborate:

Last week I read the horoscope which stated

thatthemanofmydrearnswascomingmyway

.

I was thrilled. Having only just come out of the

closet the idea of my special dreamboat walking

my way was almost too much to bear and I

fainted from the strain.

Shortly after a dear friend revived me I

spotted him. Tall, dark, handsome - totally to

die for! I was in Heaven

.

The sight of those

gorgeous buns flexing sent me into frenzy of

passion, I mean I was having spasms, pelvic

contractions,

the

whole messy bit Adonis come

down from Olympus

...

I approached him in my usual flamboyant

way and expressed my love the only way I

know how. When I revived in the health center

I was absolutely livid, I mean

the

nerve of the

hussy

.

He was married and I bore the scars from

his wedding ring to prove it.

I'll

never believe one of your trashy

horoscopes again.

-

Alexander Pushpin

Liberals really suck

E.ditor:

I am incensed. I have been reading your

paper since I first enrolled here in 1973, but

recently I have begun to notice an alarming

trend -

liberal editorials. No, I am not just

being reactionary. One of your writers; Tim Pot

O' Lard, recently agreed with President Ointon!

You can, perhaps, sympathize with my

position, especially since

I'll

be

shooting

one of

the hostages soon if my demands are not met.

-

Sirhan Koresh

Conservatives suck too

E.ditor:

Yesterday

I

found myself sitting in a stall in

the first floor men's room at Houston Hall.

There upon the dirty floor I

spied

a

Crite with a

headline

that decried

an

SBA member'

sreputa-tion (it was full of unjust accusasreputa-tion.)

All that the SBA member had done was with

some by-laws have some fun. You

conserva-tive

types

hold the law so dear that progress and

change you seem to fear. That's all I've got to

say I think. Bathroom politics

sure

does stink.

-

Hillary Clinton

STAFFERS

11te GuUty: Rob Buclcwheat, Dan Cbessett, Irate Dilbert, L. A. TM Altli-Crite is not a member of the Associated Collegiate Press

Punt, Phillip Glass, Lisa Hamonrye, Hiroshima Bonsai, Sheri or the Rocky Mountain College Media A.uocialioo. They've never beard of us. It is a publiation for and by studeats of Mesa State

Stitz 0. mnic ... Predator-in-Chief Inaglass, Burro McBraying, May Saltlick, Babbling Brooke, College, funded by graft and corrupt.ion.

Fred Garvin ... Fnon and Gaffs That radical dude who writes about trees, Dawn O' Day, Tun Pot Lener, and guest columns are welcomed, however, they woo•t see

Criteboy ... &lits that Olhercrap O'Lard,MosesBellhop,RadThad, WingsAyan,Scotty, Tramp, p-ess until next April Fool's Day, so why bodier writing ooe? TM

V · of th od C y Bee Em A

w ·

Anli-CritereservestherighttoeditorrejectanyworlcsJUbmittedfor

bwin P. Pudjtunel... oice e g 5 amper an lhoven, · nter publication. We've got our shears ready. Submission., mll8l include

Juan Ximenez Valenzuela, ill ... Jock Talk Bucks: Rakit Handoverfist - Mgr., Seldom Foundforbeier, thellllhor'sname,address,telephooenwnberandvitalstltistics,and

LR. Tyard ... _. ... Fred's fallgirl Compucbick, L. A. Punk, Pint O' Shandy rmst be signed by the llllhor, or a legal guardian. Color pinup-siud F. Stopp ... Shutterbug Doodles: Potted Plante, Em A. Drawe~. Slim Snojobb pbotosarewelcorned.Submissionisnotnecessary,butwearleather.

I _· ... _{•00 ·} R T' _Y ard _{.................}

c

_enson bi _P Glue Sniffing: P. M. T. Boyye Opinions _{writen Mid} exprHHd within the public _{do not necessarily reflect thOH} ron1m _{ol TM AnJi.Crile or} att those ol the Graham R. Gurbl ... Big Chief pencils Cilek CUque: Angst Ridden, Dave Brubeck, Sheri Inaglass, iludvertilffS. Anyquestioos,complainu,and/orcommenushould

Rakit Haodoverfist ... Money Goddess Moses Bellhop, F. Stopp be directed to the Predator-in-Ol.ief, or forwarded to the post office.

Hillary Clinton ... Stole our perspiration Advber: Barney TM Anli-Crite is published as a gag only and should be ignored.

ne correspondence to a rock do: TM A.nli-Crite, Ben Flybynlghthorse Campbell College Center, 1175 Texas Ave., Grd Jct., CO 81501. Don't bother calling at: 248-1255.

---•

WHY AsK?

AoNAUSEuM

_Wuo

_{CARF.S "}

Cross Words

1 2 3 4 12 15 45 46 50 53 ACROSS 1. Maze runners 5. Monk's title 8 City on the Oka 12. Abstruse 14. Steak order 15. "-Trunk" 16. Amazon cetacean 17. -and Magog 18. Followed closely 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 13 16 47 48 51 54 14 17

34. Actor's quest

35. Pilaster 36. Fountain fare 37. Freeloader 40. Clerical vestment 41. Like some cream? 42. Spanish dance 47. Anagram for lore 48.Gulliver, for one 49. Mets or Reds 20. "With rue my heart is - " 50. Fictional Spade 23. Specialty food shop

24. Harem rooms 25. Unites firmly 28. River follower 29. Leaf of a book 30. - Schnieder 32. "The-Verses" 51. Oppose openly DOWN 1. Legal matter 2. Mad - hatter 3. Craggy hill 4. Platforms

5.

Future prince? 6.

on

drilling equipment 7. Scholarly 8. Beginning 9. Resounded 10. City or c ~

11. lt's before glass or pencil 13. Harrow' rival 19. Bread spread 20. Tennis stroke 21. Fruit drinks 22. Art cult · 23. Writer Ephron 25. Some game shows 26. Trampled

27. Stage direction 29. Canine tooth 31. "It's fine with me!" 33. Bicycle built for two

34. Burglarized

36. Serb or Croat 37. Highlander 38. Skin opening 39. Spicy stew 40. Ancient Syria 43. Scorpio's neighbor 44. Pub drink 45. Ship-shaped clock

46. Word with cell or clock

Answers

Do you happen to be looking for a change from the

fast food cycle? Are you sick of McDonald's,

Wendy's, Arby's, and other greasy places?

Today, for a change,

visit the Cafeteria!

• It's cheap.

• It's closer to campus.

• You won't lose your parking space.

• But the food sucks.

You can find the Cafeteria in the Ben

Flybynighthorse Campbell College Center. If you

can't, you're blind.

Oh, by the way:

It's Closed!

It's

all in

the cars

ARIES (March 21 to April 19)-Does Dodge still make this car? Shave your back this week. That mohair sweater will go on much more easily. You have a problemifyou'reallergictowool. TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) - This one's a Ford, right? Taurus means bull, in English. If you drive a Taurus, you're apt to be bullish, stubborn, egomaniacal, selfish, deranged, psychopathic and highly dangerous. Turn yourself in now.

RABBIT (May 21 to June 20) - Rabbits are okay, but get red. Black's a joke. You are concerned with speed and economy,andtrytodoeverything as quickly as possible. Slow down

and she might notice you' re there. HARLEY-DAVIDSON (June21 toJuly22)- Notstrictly acar, butitsayssomucbaboutits owner. Mainly that he could become a leather-dad projectile at any moment Crash helmets are optional in Colorado - crashes aren't

LEO (July 23 to August 22)

- I am not aware of a car called Leo.Butldohaveafriendnamed Leo, and except for the fact that he's a lawyer, he's okay in my book. You,ldon'tknow. Youjust might be chopped liver.

YUGO (August 23 to September 22) - Some have predicted that tbe Yugo will become a collector's item. Who are they kidding? It's a roller skate.

You have been the victim of a wind-upjoke.Passitontoafriend: LINCOLN (September 23 to

October 22)-Nice car for hoods and old ladies. Named after New York's Lincoln Center. Lincoln drivers make more money than therestofus, whetherfromcrime, or social security, which amounts

to the same thing.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) - I am not aware of any car by this name, but there should be.

CAMARO (November 22 to

December 21) -1 think this is a Spanish seafcxxl dish. People who fail to de vein their shrimp can get sick. Raw oysters are gross. Why do you people even bring this stuff up?

T AXlCAB (December 22 to January 19) - You will learn to speak English this week.

JEEP(January 20 to February 18) - Wash the mud off your fenders. Avoid the dobies -they're still too muddy. Engineer Passwon'topenforseveral weeks - it's the perfect week for local travel and sight-seeing, however. Try out your neighbor's iris bed. PINTO (February 19 to March 20) - A void rear-end collisions. Do you have fire insurance?

The

Review of

Depressing and

~

Suicidal

Literature,

available at mortuaries near you

April 20.

Here are some examples

or the great writing

to

be

round in the

Review •••

Depressed, just• bit, on a Wednesday .

God, I am so depnissed.

I mean really depressed. No, I mean it.

Everything just sucks.

Except my vacuum, which broke. That's depressing too.

Excerpt from "Wracked With Guilr

... John was wracked with guill He could really feel the guilt deep

down inside, wrecking him. The guilt, which wracked him so

deeply, was nerve-wracking. He was wracked with guilt about that. He asked himself, Why should my guilt, which wracks me so

deeply, fill me so deeply with wracking guilt? I am wracked with guilt over this. Thars so depressing.

Ode to W1nter

My toes are froze

And so's my nose

Do you suppose That I'll compose

A little bit ot nonsense prose About my frozen toes and nose?

Depression awaits you for less

than what it costs to be ripped off

by your therapist.