Apathetic critter of Mesa College, 1971 April 1

The Secret Of Life Revealed

The

J-\P

J-\ 'f

t-1 E'flC

OF MESA

Vol. 1

The

.

Levi Skoronsky

Memorial Marching

Band And Traveling

Tourists Aid Society

Special

Edition

E.ditors' note:· We are proud to dedicate this first issue of the Critter to the great American and champion of that worthy cause, apathy; the one, the only, Levi Skorons'ky. As you all know, he is a man who needs no intro-duction, therefore we will forego the formalities and get directly to the point.

During these trying times when the youth of America are "tuned

in" to smoking LSD; mothers are "turning on" to dropping mari-juana and the Pentagon wants to

"Drop out" Hanoi with dirty bombs; we realize the value of the apathetic approach.

As Bertrand Russel said many times, ''I think I'll turn in now."

So have many people turned in to apathy

am

it is not surprising that thousands more are

becom-ing actively uninvolved daily.

It is the purpose of this paper to promote the cause of apathy. For as more people turn to apathy and leave the halls of govern-ment, there will be fewer people left to create problems of gov-.

ernment, therefore ths problems

nf the world will be minimized. uf course there are those who may question this as being a valid argument in support of apathy,

but then again who cares?

It is with this thought in mind that we call upon you, our read-ers, to help in this worthy cause

and begin doing nothing at once. Why be a weirdo? Join the apathetic majority, don't vote, don't get involved, don't do any-thing. DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, but don't do it now!

COLLEGE

APRIL FOOLS' DAY

Owl

In Tree

... See Page 5

No. 1

Secret Life Of Skoronsky

·

Told,

Widely Acclaimed As 'No Sig Dea/'

Levi Skoronski was born in Polaoo in 1940. He became a Polish War hero in 1943 in the famous, but little known battle of F.dselinsky Sewage Disposal Plant, while attempting to secure water for the Polish troops. The attempt failed but the troops did

· not suffer.

He immigrated to America in 1945 arxl moved into a rat

in-. fested apartment on the lower East side of ·. New York City. ·The ·real' estate valued immedia-tely dropped and the rats moved out

After living in America for six months, Skoronski went out to empty the garbage and never re-turned. The only trace found of him was a five mile trail of half eaten garbage which pointed to Colorado. The New York sani-tation department soon picked up the trail but abarxloned the ef-fort in Kansaswhensupplyoffood ran out.

His brother Oedipus Skoronski

and his half-sister Orio Belle

"Bo" Sandusky sent out a one point bulletin with the following

message:

Anyone coming within 45 miles of Levi Sl{oronsky will feel the effect Warning: do not approach, he's under-armed and dangerous. He was not found until it was discovered that he had crossed the border into Colorado. The discovery was made when Colo.:. rado suffered the worst crop failure in 50 years.

In September, 1949 ~vi Sko-ronsky entered Carpenter Com-munity state College where he majored in coal mining and min-ored in wagon wheel spoking. Soon after graduation he began his rapid climb to the top. He joined Louie's Hotdog stand in November of 1950 and soon dis-covered it to be a front for the Mafia. In June of the following year he became Bis? Louie's moll. He quit the hotdog stand after he was the victim of 24 assass-ination attempts (five by Big

Lo-. uie), all were seemingly success-ful. Since then he has suffered from insecurity.

When he was eleven years of

age and under the delusion that he was Abe Lincoln, he grew a beard and freed the pigs. Since that time he has been known to a select few as the Great Ema-ciator.

In August 1952 he abandoned his Lincoln image and began th-inking he was the famous King Family. He toured the coumtry in ~n open jeev and hit s,pots like Woodegrabin Comer, Ari-zona, Beaver Falls, Montanar and

Buffalo Chip, Nevada, until he ran out of starting fluid.

After a brief trip to hav4~ his tennis shoes retreadeq, he fell out of sight until 1968, whem he recovered his memory. He heard about the famous New York g2.r-bage strike and vowed to go home and "Clean up the town" which he did until he got fult

Since then Levi has been ty-pically successful; bouncing around from job to job. At one time he took a job as a Rick-shaw pole, but was soon

replac-ed by fiberglass.

Shortly thereafter he d:id a stint as a television antenna. This

job required him to starxl on the roof with wires leading from fillings in his teeth. He picked up additional income by doubling

as a scarecrow and prevented pigeons from lighting on the r<X?f.

and eating his· shoelaces. He was replaced by the advent of color television Oie could re-ceive only black aoo white).

After ·he discovered that. he was ineligible for unemployment compensation Levi accepted

a

job with a radio station. · He made it big as a radio stunt man when he fell down a flight of stairs with his microphone in his hand. Among his abilities to perform dangerous stunts he can also sound like a whole audience laughing and his voice constituted most of the canned laughter tapes used. He retired from radio stunting when his arm was stretched to an unbelievable 20 feet when he jumped out of a 650 foot high window with only 630 feet of cord on his micro-phone.

After his arm was restored to an acceptable 10 feet, Levi again went to work. He took a

job

as a gardner, when he used a tooth-pick to make minute holes

am

then placed grass seeds into the holes one at a time. He was fired when he filled in the 13th hole of the Country Club (and

not with grass). '

Since this last attempt tocom-pete in the capitalistic which has made our country so great, noth-ing has been heard from Levi to date. ·

To commemorate · Levi, the Levi Sl{oronsky Memorial Mar-ching Band and Traveling Tourist Aid S,ociety was organized. They played many concerts in Whitman Park and were asked to tour the country (By the Citizens for a Better Grarxl Junction

Commit-tee). .

The LSMMBATTAS Gunnison River Rafting Team distinguished itself last year by being the only team to reach Delta after start-ing at Whitewater and paddling 40 miles upstream.

Page Two

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Wh

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To

Aslc Who Is He?

Several confused people, obviously either not informed or simply not wishing to know have presumed that there ·is no Levi Skqronsky per se. All of the stories made up about him are simply fictional, they assume, and were made up for the fun of it. This is simply not true. There IS a Levi Skoronsky. There IS! There IS! So there.

Perhaps a more "meaningful" question would be not

"Does Levi Skoronsky exist?" but, "How does Levi Skoronsky exist, What purpose does he or the idea that IS Levi Skoronsky

serve?" To these people let me say, "Shut up."

Do you exist? How do you exist. To other people you exist

merely in their minds. You are merely a thought, an impression that exists in their mind. Yet, you do believe you exist. Even

when you are not in anyone's presence you still exist to them

as a thought - a remembrance. Even when you die, you still

exist in their minds. What then, IS existance?

When you have answered~qu.~u may go home.

. • I •

!fl

Is

Levi

Slcoronskv

An

Out-Of-Control

Pola

le

Joice?

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Many people (to date-one) -have voiced serious doubts on the basic nature or essence of the LSMMBATTAS, calling it an outgrowth of the "Polak jokes" with a racial and an ethical tone slanted against the Polish people. This is certainly a valid argument against the LSMMBA TT AS. It is a charge whic.h must be investigated closely.

Is Levi Skoronsky really meant to be a typical Polish per-son and are the qualities of the Polish people as indicated by such references as the "battle of the Edselinsky Disposal Plant" meant to be a "slam" on the Polish people as a whole? Or is this a type of "reverse psychology" leaning so far in one direction as to have an opposite effect, or self-parody?

Who knows? Big dea I anyway.

STUDENT PUBLICATIONS OFFICE, 81'.'UDENT_ CENTER,. GRAND JUNCTION.· COLORADO 81501 US-1'5!

Wilbur Skoronsky ---·---·-···-···Editor Albert "Berti_., Skoronsky ... Assistant Editor Faye Skoronsky ... Feature Editor

- ---···-···----·---·--···--- Editorial Editor

Mathew "Brady'' Skoronsky ---··Photographer

Sanitation Dept. -·-··---·---···Circulation

The Apathetic Critter is published solely for the entertain-ment of the s!aff an? only the names have been changed to protect the guilty. It 1s hoped that the Critter is received in the same light vein in which it was published. The opinions ex-pressed are not necessarill the opinions of the entire staff and for that matter the author. The offices of the Critter are housed near the flagpole at Lincoln Park and the staff can be contacted at their yearly meeting on Feb~uary 30th of every year.

THE APATHETIC CRITTER APRIL FOOLS' DAY

Levi's Unfinished Literary

Works Recently

Discovered

By LEVI SKORONSKY Editor's note: Part I of Levi Skoronsky's infamous Dirt Man-ifesto was found scratched on the bathroom wall of a local estab-lishment which would like to re-main anonymous. It is the first of a never completed series of works Levi wrote for the •Hell of it."

Dear Editors:

When you guys asked whether I would mim having an issue of your rag dedicated to me and

my favorite cause, apathy, of course I _replied that I couldn't care less. But after giving the matter little or no thought at all it occurred to me that by print-ing a newspaper promotprint-ing apathy was like bombing innocent vill-ages in Vietnam in the name of peace.

To make this point perfectly clear; let's say for instance that you do print a pro-apathy issue, who would read it? Anyone who cares enough to read your trash could be no means claim to be ·

apathetic. On the other hand, if a person were truly apathetic

and didn't bother to read your paper, then he would remain

ig-norant of the current trends in apathy

O

am certain you are

Ya Seen One

Poll, Ya Seen

Them All!

Recently the Social Security Office Secretaries on campus comucted a · poll to discover the current trends, or lack of them, in this area. In order to make the poll valid all comments by German Shepards on the lawn were thrown out.

The question that was asked was, -Hey kid, what do you feel about apathy?"

11% answered yes

14% answered No.

62% answered no opinion

23% answered "Huh?"

Of course many students were not available for intelligible com -ment.

The results completelywhelm-ed the survey team, who stated concem over the lack of an active campus but stated, •If

these kids ever get any ideas about s-e-x, politics, or any-thing like that, then they have another think coming."

Apparently the community will hav? few problems with the stu-dents if present trends continue.

Editor's note: This space has

been provided in the hopes that you desire to write a letter to the editor. Since we never read our own mail we thought that lt would be easier to eliminate the

hassle

am

let you enter your letter yourself.

•From dirt we is, and to dirt we,goes."

So said Irving· Schlum last winter. He is right. We all have out basic roots in the ground

am

are nothing more than the dirt we walk on. The , Bible ·

reinforces this belief by saying what Irving Sehl um· said last winter. Except it SclY:S it

dif-aware of the rapidly spreading enthusiasm apathy has recently encountered; I mean, people don't care about things you never even heard about!).

I can see you are faced with a difficult problem, but if I may suggest how I would go about publishing such an issue, I think. The secret is not to care about the results arrl then everything will turn out well, and if it doesn't, who cares?

The only people who will read about apathy are the concerned activists, and who cares about them? It's the same reasoning that's behind narcs reading un-derground newspapers; theheads already know what they're doing right? The same way the only people who read about commun-ism are the Birchers; the under-sexed read about the over-under-sexed; the whites about the blacks; and.

so it must follow that the "cares" must read about the "Who cares". Like I said before, who cares what you guys do, butdon'tblame me if someone reads this and says, •So what, who cares?"

Levi Skoronsky

SKI

,n

•

re

a

ferently. And who believes in the Bible anyway?

For a closeness to dirt is

a

closeness to god

a

am refer-ring to the great goddess of -All

'Thing~ Brown, Hermione).

Once -in my life I was per-mitted divine guidance when a servant of Hermione, disguised as a common street wino bumped into me

am

asked me to search my soul, saying unto me, •9tay, bushter . . . uh • •• what's it all about? Huh?"

Recognizing this man to be a messenger of the gods, although his disguise was perfect, I ans-wered:

"I dunno, what?"

Whereupon he answered: "Scum." Adn then he passed out, the spirit having left his body.

For many weeks I sat on the stoop of Enrico's Bar and Grill pondering the enigma of hi,s

ans-wer. Finally the truth came to me. He meant dirt was the

be-ginning arrl the end - for as the

unfinished Book ofHermoine sta-tes in Chapter Uno: •IN the beg-inning there was just dirt and

that was it, believe me."

All was clear. My purpose in life was to spread the gospel

and lead mankind back into dirt. Children, the beautiful inno-cents that they are, are closerto nature than adults who shame -fully turn their faces away from the ground as well as the rest of their bodies. Bless the dirty child. He has found the truth in life. Dirt is our past arrl dirt is our goal. Mingle with the dirt - get to know your .

brothe.r. Make a mud pie

aru\i

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revel m ecstacy. . # ~ :-;.,_·,

A dirty face is the sign of a ,) .\'

saved man. ·1:.

END PART I .

Soon - Part II: Sand as a Re-ligion - translated from the Polish by Irving Schlum

STYLE

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choice of bindings

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.

APRIL FOOLS' DAY

That's

Some Fine Box

.After viewing the many fine boxes on Main Street, it has been decided that this one, located between 4th ard 5th Streets, is by hr the finest.

Apathy

Awards Snack

Marked By Absentees

The absence of the Garbage Can of Apathy Winner for 1966, highlighted the Levi Skoronsky Memorial Marching Band and

Traveling Tourist Aid Society awards snack held last Saturday night just before Creature Fea-tures on channel two.

Guest speaker, Oedupus

San-dusky, also failed to attend the dinner, so master of ceremon-ies, Kenn Galyean, read several dirty jokes from Playboy which were greeted by various coughs·

and an obscene noise from an

unkempt black Labrador seated in the rear.

The meal consisted of milk, chocolate covered peanuts and

bean dip. This was also greeted

by an obscene noise from the black Labrador.

The snack was concluded when Rick Sieldon read passages from •Passion City.• The black Lab-rador left the room.

The awards snack, su.PPOSedJ.y

Some Like It Hot

Some lilce It Cold

Good

M-,

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xican Food

Seasoned

'r

o

Taste

at

the

TACO SHOP

7

55 North 243-1556

held annually has not been h~~-2! since 1965 so the 1966 Snack was held this year.

"We probably will get arowxl to the 1971 banquet sometime in 1984 or 1993, depending on our heavY schedules," stated Mr.

Spock, First Officer of the sta· r-ship °'Enterprise" who also was not at the meeting.

THE APATHETIC CRITTER Page Three

No-Narc Toothpaste

Better Than Nothing

Members of the Critter staff a ~roup of volunteers was div- ounts of food to be consumed at recently tested a toothpaste, soon ided into three groups. Group their own leisure. Of course,

to be introduced ontheopenmar- A was supplied No-Narc, while Group

c

was again givennothing. ket. For the purpose of this Group B was given another lead- It is at this point that the report we will refer to the new ing toothpaste. Group C was the experiment went out of control. toothpaste as No-Narc. control group and were given The food ran out before the

mun-No:.Narc claims to remove nothing. chies had been satisfied, aoo the grass stains and combats bad . First, groups A and B were food-crazed dope freaks turned breath which often accompanies ~1ven a larg~ quantity of marl- on their respective groups of the blim munchies. The tooth- Juana to be either smoked, snort- toothpaste.

paste was developed by Head ed, _eaten or traded for hashish. The No-Narc group ate 67.8% Laboratories in an efforttocom- Again, GroupCwasgivennothing. of their supply, while the other bat these common side effects The experimental groups soon group ate only 52.4% of their's, of smoking marijuana. developed what is commonly proving that No-Narc is leading To evaluate the claims made by Imown as the blind munchies. in taste appeal. Meanwhile back the manufacturers of No-Narc They were then given huge am- at the control group nothing was

happening.

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Of those in groups A and B

that did brush with their respec-tive toothpastes, the users of No-Narc had 20% less yellow mouth, aoo 75% less bad breath (according to the halitosimeter) than the other group.

It was at this point that Fed-eral Investigation Agents inter-rupted the experiment. They

arrested 73% of group A and

82% of group B for drug abuse, 100% of group C for loitering,

am

the Critter staff for failing to obtain the experimental

per-mit from the Department of

Bet-ter Housekeeping.

Skoronsky

Cracks Up

The City Police Department reported anaccidentonthecorner of 29th and Belford apparently involving one Levi Skoronsky. Skoronsky was pedalling south at

an excessive rate of speed when his right trainer-wheel blew out. Skoronsky's vehicle then spun-out, flipped over three times, hit the National Guard Armory and finally came to rest.

The police stated that Skoron-sky's vehicle, a red 1951 Ralph-cycle, was a total loss

am

es

-timated damage to the armory was near $250, 000.

-He was rushed to St. Chris-topher Hospital where his con-dition was described as anywhere from hopeless to ridiculous. Up-on his admissiUp-on to the intensive care ward, he consented to a blood test and it was discovered that his alcohol contained • 76 per cent blood.

Charges of insufficient intoxi-cation, willful destructionofgov-ernment property and failure to

yield right of way to a

station-ary object are pending further investigation.

Skoronsky was reported to be

improving following a long autop-sy held after the accident.

DO YOU

_

WANT

THIS

·

TO HAPPEN

TO Y

.

OUR (;HILD?

·

·SAVE OiJR CHILDREN FROM

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THESE

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KILLERS

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STOP DEADLY ~:

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MARIJUANA

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